By James L. McClinton, Ph.D.
Llamaforcement… Police were hot on the heels of a thief they were chasing, until they lost him when he leapt over a fence and onto a farmer’s property. As it turns out, that was not a wise move. This farmer has eight llamas on his property and these are animals which are very possessive about their territory. The llamas, which can reach a height of six feet and are well-known for their nasty habit of spitting, quickly surrounded the fleeing fool and immediately began to make a terrible racket. The thief was halted in his tracks and was held in check by the animals until the officers arrived. After his release from llama custody, he was arrested and charged with theft. (I would totally watch a TV show about crime fighting llamas.)
“Remember, it’s not a lie if you believe it.”… A Florida man who matched the description of a wanted suspect told police that his name was “George Costanza,” a poorly disguised attempt which ended up with an obstruction charge. Officers were patrolling an entertainment park in Clearwater when they confronted a man who resembled “the description of a subject with an active arrest warrant.” The accused, who was recently arrested for trespassing, failed to appear for a court hearing, prompting a judge to order his arrest. When an officer asked the suspect to identify himself, “the defendant responded with ‘George Costanza,’ ” according to an arrest report. Curiously, he didn’t use the name of a less significant “Seinfeld” character like “Cosmo Kramer” or “Kenny Bania.” In addition to being arrested on the outstanding trespass warrant, he was charged with resisting an officer and booked into the Pinellas County jail. He eventually pleaded no contest to the misdemeanor resisting count and was ordered to pay fines and court costs. (I’ll bet he wasn’t even a “Master of His Own Domain.”)
Gives new meaning to “skeletons in your closet”… If you are the woman who dropped off a human skull at the Goodwill Donation Center in Chelsea, Michigan, the Chelsea Police Department would like to have a conversation with you. A news organization reported that a woman, who was caught on the store’s surveillance camera, entered the center with a skull which was wrapped in a shirt. The skull appeared to be intact and didn’t have any “visible damage.” Officers turned it over to the county medical examiner who forwarded it to the anthropology department at the University of Michigan for further study. (Knowing Goodwill, I’m surprised they didn’t slap a price tag on it anyway.)
It was rather nice of them to “stick” around until the deputies arrived… Sheriff’s deputies were dispatched to a home in Jasper County, Texas, on a report of break-in at a residence. The homeowner told the police that she had been in an argument with two women earlier and they had later broken into her home and assaulted her. The suspects gained entry through a window and kicked open the victim’s bedroom door, the victim told deputies. “Would they happen to be the two women whose vehicle is stuck in the mud in your driveway?” police wondered. Yes, indeed-ee…both suspects were still at the scene when deputies arrived because their vehicle was, in fact, stuck in the mud. The two women, ages 21 and 38, were taken into custody and booked into the Jasper County jail. (Definitely not Thelma and Louise…)
So, that’s why my order took so long… City officials in Gastonia, North Carolina, decided it was time to get involved after a video surfaced of someone getting a tattoo in a Wendy’s dining room in the city. The video which was recorded from outside the restaurant shows a man with his shirt off and another person sitting behind him wearing blue gloves and holding a tattoo gun. A city official said an environmental health team member talked to the store manager and reminded them that the restaurant “cannot tattoo without a permit.” For its part, the fast-food franchisee said they “took immediate disciplinary action to address the situation.” (Would anyone even bat an eye if this were in a Waffle House?)
Now, she’ll get to complain about the food in prison… A Berkeley, Missouri, city council meeting took an unexpected turn when a woman who came to complain about police ended up being arrested moments later. The woman was already wanted on charges of domestic assault and armed criminal action. Police Major Steve Runge said he immediately recognized her when she stepped up to speak at the meeting. The moment became even more surreal when, Runge said, she began criticizing the police. City video shows the major quietly texting other officers to let them know she was there. Two officers seated in the back then stood up and moved in carefully. “My concern was to take her into custody without an issue, without any drama,” Runge said. That’s exactly what happened. The arrest took place in the hallway outside the meeting room. Police said the woman was wanted in connection with an October 2025 stabbing. (Hiding in [com]plain sight…)
Eureka!… A 51-year-old Oviedo, Florida, man was arrested after he was caught engaging in a “sexual performance” with a vacuum cleaner, according to the Osceola County Sheriff’s Office. Deputies said they were dispatched on reports of a man “exposing his private parts in front of a residence. The victims that observed this behavior provided a statement and a cell phone recording of a male, partially clothed, in front of a residence, engaged in a sexual act with a household appliance,” the release reads. The suspect had already left the area before a deputy could arrive, but further investigation revealed that the suspect and his wife were listed as the hosts of a local Airbnb. Video of the incident captured on a Ring camera was given to the responding deputy. Eventually, a warrant was obtained for the suspect’s arrest who was caught near his home in Oviedo. He is facing a charge of indecent exposure. (So, what are you in for?)