BUSTED! Real Stories of Genuine Absurdity September/October 2022

Drawing of a crocodile laying on its side.

James L. McClinton, Ph.D.

Milk it for all it’s worth… Florida’s Okeechobee County Sheriff’s Office recently executed a search warrant and raided a drug house. The raid proved to be a successful one and the deputies ended up making ten arrests. One of those who was arrested stood out from the others. He was dressed so surprisingly that a deputy stood him handcuffed on the front lawn and took a full-length photo. The man was wearing a one-piece cow suit with a pink hat and collar. (Deputies said the arrested man was “udder-ly confused.”)

Poor Karen, now she’s dealing with reptile dysfunction… An alligator named Karen was rescued by police after a car chase in Michigan. The Lake County Sheriff’s Office tried to pull over a 40-year-old Oak Park man who was driving at a high rate of speed. When the driver fled the traffic stop, he was pursued. The chase ended when the car got stuck between two trees in Webber Township. “Karen” the alligator was a passenger in the car and tried to flee, police said, and was caught after a short scuffle. “Karen is not facing any charges at this time,” police said. “We believe she was an unwilling participant during the incident, nor do we believe she was ever in control of the vehicle.” The Oak Park man was arrested and is facing charges related to the chase. (If she was truly innocent, why did she try to flee?)

Just when you thought the phrase “going postal” was obsolete… Things recently got heated in a Pasadena, Maryland, community. As residents waited for their mail to be delivered, two letter carriers, a male and a female, got into a fight in the street. One witness said that one of the mail carriers “punched the window on the other one’s mail truck,” and that “one backed up and slammed into the other one like bumper cars.” Another witness said, “There was mail all over the street. They kept going around the block and, at one point, they were front to front, hitting their bumpers together.” Residents called 911 and the postal service sent other carriers to pick up the mail. People living along the route said their regular carrier was on vacation and the angry stand-ins were unfamiliar to them. (“Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night… or other postal employees…”)

I’m sorry, but McDonald’s® doesn’t include meth with its Happy Meal®s… When a man took his first bite of what appeared to be a McDonald’s Big Mac® while at a Texas Border Patrol checkpoint, at least one agent was suspicious. The nearest McDonald’s was more than 60 miles south of the Falfurrias Border Patrol Station. The agent thought, “It was unusual that someone would wait until the exact moment they got to the checkpoint to start eating.” The “suddenly hungry” man was found to be smuggling meth. Agents found three bundles taped to his legs. The man, a foreign citizen who was living in Austin, was sentenced to 7.5 years in federal prison. (This gives new meaning to the phrase, “Big Mac attack.”)

We Are Real Expressive and It Does Indicate Our True Sentiments”… “Forever in our hearts until we meet again, cherished memories, known as our son, brother, father, papa, uncle, friend, and cousin.” The message on a man’s tombstone at the Warren-Powers Cemetery in Polk County, Iowa, reflects the sentiments of the family the 59-year-old left behind when he died last year. Unfortunately, the message within the message has outraged the community. It turns out that if one reads the first letter of each line vertically, the phrase “F— OFF” is revealed. The deceased man’s daughter said not only was the message intentional, but that her dad would have loved it: “It was a term of endearment. If he said that to you, it meant he liked you.” The board of trustees is organizing a legal response and “will not stop until the headstone is removed.” (I guess that he’s exercising his freedom of speech for the last time.)

He can now work security at strip clubs… A former Cincinnati police officer was fired for what was considered to be an inappropriate tattoo. The officer had “pure” across the knuckles of his right hand and “evil” on his left. After getting the tattoo, he was reassigned to work the impound lot “to limit his public exposure” and then was fired four months later. Cincinnati police leadership wrote, “Officer [name’s] tattoos are a violation that is ongoing and permanent. Additionally, Officer [name’s] tattoos do not promote the professional and neutral image of the Cincinnati Police Department and are injurious to the public trust.” The officer “showed remorsefulness” for obtaining the tattoo and acknowledged a lack of discretion. When confronted in a hearing, he chose not to get the tattoos removed because it would cost too much. (Nothing says “I’m here to help” like PURE EVIL written on your knuckles.)

“Hey, this would look awesome on the fireplace mantle”… A US family caused a bomb scare at Israel’s Ben Gurion Airport after showing an unexploded artillery shell during a security check-in. They had picked up the ordnance on a visit to the Israeli Golan Heights, site of past wars between Israel and Syria. A member of the family produced the shell from their backpack and asked a security official if it could be put in a suitcase. The official ordered the immediate vicinity around her to be cleared, but another passenger who misheard her started shouting, “Terrorists shooting,” which triggered mass panic. The family was eventually allowed to board their flight after being interrogated by security who gave the all-clear. (Clark Griswold on his most recent family vacation…)