REAL STORIES OF GENUINE ABSURDITY
JAMES L. MCCLINTON, PH.D.
Some people will do anything to save a buck… Louisiana police are investigating a Pineville Chinese restaurant after officers allegedly found roadkill stored in a freezer with food intended for customers. The investigation began after a viral social media post accused the restaurant of placing a dead animal in its freezer, prompting Pineville police to respond to the business. Once there, officers determined the animal was a deer, reportedly picked up after being found dead along the side of the road. Police said they later found the deer carcass inside the restaurant’s freezer, stored alongside other food allegedly meant to be served to customers. The restaurant posted a note on its front door apologizing for the “recent incident,” while stating that the item involved was never intended to be served. Pineville police said they contacted both the Louisiana Department of Health and the Louisiana Department of Wildlife and Fisheries and both agencies have opened their own investigations. (What’s wrong with General Tso’s venison?)
We know who the boss is…The mayor of Cohutta, Georgia, fired the entire police department following a dispute involving his wife, the town’s former clerk, who had been dismissed after allegedly creating a “hostile work environment.” Several officers had filed complaints against her and reportedly played a role in her firing. The mayor claimed the department shutdown was due to “inappropriate” comments by officers, but the former police chief said town officials were not briefed beforehand and that the town attorney had reassured officers just days earlier that their jobs were secure. The attorney said officers feared their complaints about the hostile work environment would be used against them. One fired sergeant called the move a “personal vendetta.” The Whitfield County Sheriff’s Office temporarily took over law enforcement duties, but within days, the town council reinstated the officers and began considering the mayor’s removal. (Does this remind anyone else of how “Boss Hogg” ran things?)
Pasta la vista, baby… A 23-year-old former Chick-fil-A® worker in Texas is accused of ringing up 800 orders of mac and cheese and then refunding them to his personal credit cards. The accused allegedly pocketed more than $80,000 in the scheme in November – and it was all caught on surveillance video. Grapevine police say he evaded arrest multiple times before finally being apprehended with help from the Texas attorney general’s Fugitive Task Force and the Fort Worth Police Department. Police charged him with property theft, money laundering and evading arrest, police said. He was jailed in the Tarrant County jail. Tarrant County court records reveal that detectives were alerted about the alleged theft by the franchise owner who directed them to CCTV video which showed a man using a cash register to order $80,105 of the comfort food. (“Cheddar late than never”)
He must really hate Iran… A Kissimmee, Florida, man apparently did some serious online research and found an active Iranian embassy contact form. His goal was not to negotiate a ceasefire or encourage de-escalation. Instead, he offered to trade his mother-in-law for two American hostages held overseas – but not as an even swap. He wanted Iran to sweeten the deal with a “$400-$600 gift card from Home Depot or somewhere similar.” It’s unclear how the message reached US authorities, but federal agents soon showed up at his door. His first words were reportedly, “Have you heard back yet?” He has not been charged with a crime, but it’s probably safe to assume he may soon be shopping for a good divorce attorney. (Oh, Florida! You NEVER disappoint!)
Obviously, this shopper was actually an impasta… A 28-year-old California man is accused of stealing LEGO® sets from Target stores as part of a nationwide theft scheme involving boxes filled with dried pasta. Irvine police said the Paramount man allegedly bought LEGO sets from Target, removed the valuable minifigures and pieces, and then returned the boxes after replacing the contents with pasta. Investigators linked him to roughly 70 thefts nationwide, totaling about $34,000 in losses. Police said surveillance helped identify him as the suspect. He was taken into custody and booked into the Orange County Jail on grand theft charges.(He’ll be serving time in the PENNEtentiary.)
Looking for love in all the wrong places… A Riverside County, California, sheriff’s deputy was allegedly caught on camera swiping through a dating app while standing just feet from an armed, barricaded suspect during a SWAT standoff. The incident began after the armed suspect crashed into a wall near a school. A bird’s-eye-view camera captured one deputy – wearing insignia which appeared to indicate he may have been a sergeant – pulling out his phone and swiping left on what looked like the dating profiles of women. The standoff eventually ended after the sheriff’s office fired tear gas into the suspect’s vehicle. “This behavior does not reflect the standards, expectations or policies of our department,” the Riverside County Sheriff’s Office said. “We have initiated an internal investigation and will take appropriate action based on the findings.” (Hopeless romantic or multitasker?)
The hardest part about being addicted to robbing banks is the withdrawals… A 33-year-old New York man took his time in carrying out his bank robbing spree, but didn’t net much of a haul for all his effort. The man robbed six banks in five days across Queens, Brooklyn, Manhattan, and the Bronx. At each Chase branch, he handed the teller a note saying people would get hurt if they didn’t hand over money. He got $320 and $265 from a couple of banks, but walked away with just $20 from another. And, three branches gave him nothing at all. His total “earnings” were just $605. Police are still searching for the man who has been charged with bank robbery previously. (After robbing the sixth bank, he just lost interest.)