Busted! – Real Stories of Genuine Absurdity Sept/Oct 2016

Who’s a good boy? Who?? Who is that good boy?… Officials say a family dog in Mississippi recently came home with more than a toy to play fetch – the pup had a big bag of marijuana in his mouth. The Jones County Sheriff’s Office reported that narcotics deputies were sent to the home to investigate the unusual incident. Police statements say the homeowner told deputies that, when his dog came home with the bag, he initially thought it was garbage. But, he inspected it and found that it contained a leafy substance which smelled like marijuana. Authorities say they recovered about a pound of the drug, but don’t know how or where the dog got the bag. (Say what, Lassie? You want me to follow you to where the rest of the stash is?)

“Yeah, just hang it over there next to the ‘Remember to Brush After Every Meal’ sign.”… In Pennsylvania, an exasperated Columbia County District Judge felt the need to post a sign outside his courtroom in January informing visitors that they should not wear pajamas to court. However, even the judge himself acknowledged that his admonition was not enforceable and that he was merely trying to encourage minimal standards. (Maybe they had to shop at Walmart before going to court?)

This is a bad time to find out that you’ve been a loud whisperer your entire life… Massachusetts state troopers initially found a few drug items in a search of the vehicle of a 24-year-old woman at a traffic stop along Interstate 91 near Hatfield, Massachusetts. But, the woman and her two companions proceeded to worsen the situation. The troopers seemed satisfied with finding three drug pipes, a couple of syringes and several baggies of drugs and began to write their report as a “possession” case, but en route to the state police barracks, a trooper said he overheard one suspect whisper to another, “I don’t think they found all the stuff in the car.” The police searched it again and this time they found three digital scales with white residue, along with another 230 baggies of heroin and the charges were then expanded to include “intent to distribute.” (On the other hand, how did these troopers miss three digital scales and 230 baggies of heroin in the first place?)

One good example of successful community policing is the “Give a Moron a Lift” program… A 38-year-old man asked a sheriff’s deputy in Limestone County, Alabama, at 3:00 a.m. for a “courtesy ride” to a nearby Walmart and the deputy agreed. However, the deputy followed procedure and told the man that he’d have to search him before letting him into the patrol car. According to the arrest report, the man needing the ride consented to the search. The deputy then turned up a veritable drug supply store in his pockets, his backpack and his duffel bags: drugs (meth, marijuana and black tar heroin); two syringes; a drug cooking spoon; two marijuana pipes; a meth smoking pipe; and a supply of baggies. The man was charged with drug possession and trafficking. (Recreational drug users are typically so open-minded that their brains fall out!)

Talk about a bad habit!… State police say a 78-year-old nun was caught shoplifting $23 worth of coffee, snacks and toiletries from a central Pennsylvania store. Troopers say the nun was seen taking the items from the Surplus Outlet near Berwick. Police determined the woman captured on surveillance video was the nun who lived about 20 miles away at a convent in Danville. Shoplifting is a summary offense, akin to a traffic ticket, meaning the nun will likely pay a fine if she’s convicted. The store manager said he “couldn’t believe it that a nun would actually do something like that.” (Shoplifting? The charge is absolute nunsense!)

Someone needs to discover coffee… A 52-year-old man who happened to be an air traffic controller reportedly has been having career troubles in recent years. When he was recently arrested during a traffic stop on New York’s Long Island, police officers found illegal drugs in his car. When asked about the substance, he replied, “That’s meth,” he said. “I’m an air traffic controller. I smoke it to stay awake.” (When you’re dealing with pilots, it makes good sense to be as high as they are!)