BUSTED! Real Stories of Genuine Absurdity November/December 2023

A pig's face


James L. McClinton, Ph.D.

He’s a picture of government spending – runaway pork!… Police in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania, went “hog wild” as they attempted to capture a culprit who was reported scurrying around a Hamilton Park neighborhood. “As it turns out, pigs are fast…and elusive…”, the Manheim Township Police Department began earnestly in a lengthy news release about the pursuit of a large hog they named Hamilton. Police said that, after days of numerous calls from neighbors, a man reported an “enormous pig” was sleeping under a trampoline in his backyard. Three officers and one civilian police aide all responded, but were unable to catch the sneaky swine. Officers called for backup from the Lancaster Farm Sanctuary who showed up with “personnel and pig-catching stuff…which we believe is the correct terminology.” “A foot pursuit of the escaped swine ensued and, yes, we see the irony in three cops chasing a pig,” the department continued. “As it turns out, Hamilton wasn’t as tired as we thought because we’re fairly certain he’s the fastest pig alive.” Workers from the farm sanctuary managed to corral Hamilton inside a dog crate and he was loaded onto the sanctuary van. (The pig was just hamming it up.)

A mother and son bonding – BAIL BONDING… A California mother and son were cited for reckless driving after they were caught racing each other on Mother’s Day. According to the Fresno Police Department, officers with the Street Racing Team spotted the two vehicles racing each other and clocked them in at 80 mph. Officers said the two were seen driving dangerously, weaving around each other while on the road before they were pulled over by police. The FPD says the mother and son both lost their vehicles for 30 days and were issued citations for driving recklessly. (They’re catching the bus together now.)

Not exactly “The Happiest Place on Earth”… Two families recently went on a rampage of violence, attacking one another at Walt Disney World’s Magic Kingdom – the reason for the brawl was a disagreement over who could stand next to a sign commemorating the 100th anniversary of the Disney Company. According to police, one family was standing in front of the sign when another group wanted to snap a photo. When the second group asked the first to step aside, punches were thrown. At least one person was treated for injuries at the site. (A feud between the families of Goofy and Dumbo…)

So, basically, he was on a “date”… A member of the Detroit Board of Police Commissioners who was caught in a car with a prostitute by law enforcement is claiming that the incident is a “big misunderstanding.” Wayne County Sheriff’s Office deputies said they found the official in his car at about 7:15 a.m. engaging in a sex act with a prostitute. Undercover narcotics officers were in the area at that time and saw him with a woman who was known to them. He has since denied the allegations as a “big misunderstanding.” “I’m done talking about it; that’s just not what happened,” he told a Detroit newspaper. The official, who previously served as chair of the police watchdog group, released a statement saying that he would take a step back from participating in board meetings. (Hopefully, he’ll be “defunded” in the near future.)

Lookin’ for love in all the wrong places… A43-year-old bachelor from Janesville, Wisconsin, has grown weary of dating apps and has decided to try a new tactic. He took out a billboard featuring a photo of himself. Next to that are the words (in all caps), “DATE ROBERT,” followed by “Wisconsin’s #1 Eligible Bachelor.” The sign states that Robert is “looking for a local, honest woman.” The targeted lucky lady can reach him at the number plastered on the billboard. If you do reach out to Robert, you might want to ask him about the restraining order which was put in place against him last year, according to online court records, which is set to last for four years. Oh well, that’s probably nothing to worry about, so, ladies, grab your phones! (I’m sure he’ll end up with the woman he deserves.)

Little known fact: This was the original plot for TheShawshank Redemption The Newport News (VA) Sheriff’s Office (NNSO) said two inmates who broke out of their jail cell managed to taste sweet freedom for only a day before they were caught at an IHOP® miles away. The NNSO said two inmates were missing during a head count and it was discovered that they had used “primitive tools,” including a toothbrush and rebar, to dig a hole out of their cell wall and then scaled a wall to make a daring escape. The two then made it to an IHOP seven miles away, opting for the pancake house instead of a Waffle House located just a few blocks away. The NNSO said that private citizens notified law enforcement when they saw the men at the IHOP. (“We would like the jailbreak special, please.”)