James L. McClinton, Ph.D.
It’s nice to see wigs making a comeback in the courtroom… A St. Charles County (Missouri) Circuit judge has been suspended and will be banned from holding judicial offices in Missouri. The judge was found to have engaged in several acts of misconduct, including discussing politics from the bench, but his most notable overstep was occasionally wearing a large Elvis wig and sunglasses while presiding over the court. The judge said he was trying to “add levity” and relax people, but he can see how his actions affected the solemnity of the proceedings. He admitted to the charges against him and waived his right to an appeal. (And, with that, Elvis has left the bench.)
This is why I don’t “Kermit” crimes – that was a tad polarizing… A Utah police department’s use of artificial intelligence led to a police report stating – falsely – that an officer had been transformed into a frog. The Heber City Police Department started using a pair of AI programs to automatically generate police reports from body camera footage. A report generated mistakenly reported that an officer had been turned into a frog. “The body cam software and the AI report writing software picked up on a movie which was playing in the background which happened to be ‘The Princess and the Frog,’ said a police sergeant. “That’s when we learned the importance of correcting these AI-generated reports.” He said the department will continue using the AI programs, but with more oversight. (The officer turned into a frog and then he had my vehicle toad!)
A different version of “Naked Gun”… A 25-year-old North Florida man is accused of robbing a meat market while wearing nothing but a face covering. The man was carrying an object in his hand which employees believed was a weapon. The Lake City Police Department said the Lake City man was arrested and charged with armed robbery, indecent exposure, grand theft, and criminal mischief. The accused allegedly broke into a cash box in the market and took more than $1,000 from the store before he fled the scene. Employees told responding officers the suspect was nude except for a covering over his face. A description of the suspect and direction of travel were disseminated and officers quickly located and detained the suspect. (“Ma’am, can you identify the suspect?”)
Allow me to introduce you to an actual cat burglar… A woman of Lakewood, California, didn’t even realize her pet cat, Piper, was gone until she happened to look at her doorbell camera video. The video revealed an Amazon Flex driver delivering a package to her front door, then stooping over to pet Piper who was sitting on the porch. The man then proceeded to pick Piper up by her scruff and carried her off to his vehicle. An Amazon spokesperson called the act “horrible” and said the delivery person is no longer “eligible to deliver to our customers.” Police said the driver had been identified and charges are pending, but Piper is still missing. “I don’t know where she is or if she’s okay,” the owner said. (Attn: Catnapper – you take my Nine Lives and I’ll take your one!)
This is your brain on drugs… A 46-year-old Ohio man was arrested after authorities said he mistakenly sent a “baggie” of crystal meth through a tube at a bank drive-thru. He “unknowingly” deposited “a baggie containing a crystal-like substance consistent with methamphetamine” into the pneumatic tube during a simple transaction at the drive-thru bank, then drove away without ever realizing his snafu. A by the book employee at the bank flagged the bizarre “deposit” and notified law enforcement who quickly tracked him to Wayne Township. A dutiful K9 sniffed his truck and uncovered “suspected drugs and drug-related items,” the sheriff’s office said. (“Putting the HIGH in Ohio…”)
Santa on the naughty list?… An older couple dressed as St. Nick and Mrs. Claus were pulled over for speeding in Ohio while traveling to visit their daughter for Christmas. When a Fulton County Sheriff’s deputy approached, Santa announced he had a concealed carry permit, prompting the deputy to laugh and ask, “Santa has a CCW?” Santa replied, “Times are rough – you’ve got to protect yourself.” The deputy explained the stop was for speeding and asked for Santa’s license, as Santa stepped out of the vehicle, noting he was “100 years old” while struggling to exit. “Santa, slow your speed down,” the deputy said, to which Mrs. Claus chimed in from the passenger seat, “It’s Nick, you know!” Santa added, “I’ll get Rudolph on you!” The deputy asked for a photo, everyone exchanged Merry Christmas wishes and no coal was issued – just a friendly reminder that even sleighs need to slow down. (Cop: “Well there goes MY present!”)
The suspect claims it wasn’t assault – it was a “food delivery with attitude.”… A 26-year-old former strip club employee has been arrested for a drive-by shooting outside the Florida establishment. Actually, the incident should be classified as a drive-by “cheeseburgering.” Investigators allege that he showed up at the Atlantis Gentlemen’s Club “to speak with management,” but “got into a verbal argument.” During the dispute, the accused allegedly “grabbed a cheeseburger from his vehicle” and threw the delicacy, striking a male victim on the shoulder and causing him “bodily harm.” When questioned by police, he reportedly confessed to the crime and showed no remorse for the incident. “The defendant stated he did throw a cheeseburger from his vehicle” and said “he would do it again,” according to a criminal complaint. No weapon was seized (or eaten), police reported. He was arrested for battery, a misdemeanor, and booked into the county jail. (How on Earth can a cheeseburger striking your shoulder cause “bodily harm”?)