James L. McClinton, Ph.D.
Unfortunately, this business does not allow returns… A 39-year-old Florida man has been arrested for a lap dance heist, police report. According to a criminal complaint, the accused unlawfully obtained “the property of another, to wit: lap dances, of the value of $160.” Police charge that the lap dances were “the property of Reign Ladies and Gents,” a Clearwater establishment which promises visitors “an atmosphere of opulence and grandeur.” The man allegedly received several lap dances, but when presented with the tab, he “notified the business that he did not have the funds to pay for” the gyration ministrations. Charged with misdemeanor theft, the man spent 12 hours in jail before a judge released him on his own recognizance and ordered the Apollo Beach resident to stay away from Reign’s opulence. (The old dance and dash)
“RECALCULATING!”… An enterprising man in Buffalo, New York, had stuffed his rental truck with 78 pounds of marijuana and was using his phone’s maps for guidance when the phone instructed him to turn left onto the Peace Bridge. As you may be aware, the Peace Bridge is a major US/Canada border crossing. When he realized the error of his ways, the man attempted to turn around and return to the United States. That proved to be a bad idea. The man’s actions attracted the attention of the border guards who did a quick inspection and found the $230,000 worth of pot. He was placed under arrest. (“Siri, how do I ruin my entire day in under three minutes?” “Turn left onto the Peace Bridge.”)
This doesn’t even qualify as a “warm pursuit”… Police in North Charleston, South Carolina, engaged in a not so hot pursuit as they chased an excavator down a main highway for more than an hour at the speed an average adult walks, with top speed reaching a breakneck three mph. Officers saw the big piece of construction equipment with treads and a shovel at around 3:30 a.m. A few minutes later, they received a burglary call from a business which was heavily damaged and saw the excavator slowly heading away. Several police cars immediately joined in the very slow speed pursuit, with the excavator going so slow that the cruisers would have to briefly stop several times a minute to not pass the tracked vehicle. They had their blue lights and sirens on and told the excavator driver over their loudspeakers that he was under arrest and needed to stop. Other cruisers blocked traffic. The chase lasted one hour and 12 minutes before the excavator drove onto the Charleston County Fairgrounds property where it got stuck. The driver tried to run, but was followed by a drone until a police dog and handler caught up, authorities said. The 53-year-old driver of the excavator remained in the Charleston County jail on a $22,000 bond. (Charleston County police officer: Do you have any idea how fast you were going?)
The “Fashion Police” were called in for backup… A 29-year-old Texas man was arrested after robbing a Subway® restaurant in a pink dress and high heels, according to the El Paso County Sheriff’s Office. The man was arrested on two counts of aggravated robbery and one count of robbery. He was booked into the El Paso County Detention Facility with a total bond of $130,000. Deputies were dispatched to an armed robbery at a Subway restaurant located on Pellicano Drive. They spoke with employees who said that a white male entered the restaurant wearing a pink dress, high heels, a dark wig, and sunglasses. The suspect concealed one arm under a brown paper bag and handed the employees a note which read, “Money in the bag,” while pointing the bag in a “threatening manner,” suggesting he was armed. The Sheriff’s Office reported that the suspect fled the scene with roughly $50-60 in cash and was seen leaving in a white pickup truck. (In his spare time, he likes to eat, drink and be Mary.)
Breakfast at Tiffany’s?… Police video captured officers struggling with a 32-year-old convicted jewel thief in an attempt to keep the man from swallowing stolen Tiffany & Co. diamonds worth $770,000. The footage from a Florida Highway Patrol vehicle was recorded during the man’s apprehension in Chipley. He was pulled over by troopers who had received a “be on the lookout” alert from Orlando police investigating the robbery earlier that day. The man was suspected of posing as a representative of an NBA player interested in purchasing diamonds. After being shown to a private room, the man grabbed two sets of diamond earrings (worth $609,500 and $160,000) and bolted from the store. After being pulled from his vehicle and handcuffed, he was being walked to a squad car when a trooper noticed that the detainee “was talking with a closed mouth and was moving an object around…using his tongue.” Troopers repeatedly ordered him to open his mouth and spit out what was inside. “You’re about to get tased,” one trooper warned, while another declared, “He swallowed something.” As troopers grabbed his throat and jaw, the man – through gritted teeth – replied, “I don’t have to” when told to open his mouth. He was transported to a local hospital, where he refused treatment and evaluation. A subsequent jail scan detected “foreign objects” inside his body. After two weeks, he passed the Tiffany & Co. gems. (Did the store eventually sell them as “used” goods?)