James L. McClinton, Ph.D.
The budget cuts are starting to show… In Lone Tree, Colorado, a police officer was busy arresting a suspect in a theft when the perp decided he didn’t want to go to jail and first took off on foot before grabbing a nearby motorized scooter. Thinking fast on his feet, the police officer commandeered a kid’s bike to pick up on the chase, police said. “The suspect might’ve had a scooter, but [the police officer] had determination, and a kid’s bike,” the police posted on social media. The suspect, who had three outstanding warrants, was nabbed and charged with felony theft. (Dispatch: “3 Adam 22. Update status.” BMX cop: “3 Adam 22. SHREDDED IT! Code 4.”)
They must think “oversharing” is a compliment… The California Department of Fish and Wildlife (CDFW) recently settled a case of illegal possession of remains of an endangered species. The investigation began when two plainclothes CDFW officers were on a flight and struck up a conversation with a couple seated near them. The couple admitted to having a green sea turtle skull in their luggage – a species which is endangered and illegal to possess. The couple didn’t stop running their mouths there. They went on to brag about having a stuffed mountain lion and a family member’s possession of multiple taxidermized mountain lions and wolves. After the plane landed, the officers filed search warrants on the couple’s home in Chico, as well as the family member’s home in Napa. The searches turned up more illegal species. All three defendants reached plea deals and were convicted of various violations. (Nothing says “not guilty” like confessing to felonies over in-flight peanuts.)
“Breaking Bad” meets “MythBusters”… The Grant Parish Sheriff’s Office in Louisiana said two Colorado men were arrested after attempting to use a cannon to sneak meth and tobacco into a federal prison. The sheriff’s office said an investigation led deputies to learn the suspects from Greeley planned to use a compressed air cannon (a device which is commonly used by sports teams to send T-shirts into the stands) to launch $112,000 worth of tobacco and $89,500 worth of meth into the prison. The cannon, which can shoot items 350 feet into the air, would launch the items over the federal prison’s security fence and onto prison grounds. The two suspects are facing charges of attempting to introduce contraband into a penal institution and attempting to distribute methamphetamine. (A couple of nuclear rocket surgeons, no doubt)
It doesn’t take an “eggs-pert” to see that it wasn’t some practical “yolker”… As of this writing, Pennsylvaniapolice are still “scrambling” to identify who “poached” about 100,000 organic eggs from a Pennsylvania producer. Police estimated the “current” street value of the eggs at $40,000 (though that figure could change based on fluctuating prices). Investigators say an organic egg farm was victimized when one of its distribution trailers was burglarized. Pennsylvania State Police officials have asked the public to contact them with any information about the theft or who might be trying to fence 8333 dozen eggs. (I wonder if they’ll ever be able to “crack” this case.)
She never was good with numbers… Before heading off to drug rehab, a 41-year-old Florida woman allegedly decided to score some narcotics for the road. So, she texted her dealer that she had $45 to spend and wanted to buy “a couple of points” of fentanyl which is “drug speak” for the 1/10th of a gram increment. She identified herself and arranged the drug transaction. After she drove to meet her dealer in Panama City, she was confronted by police and arrested. It was then that she realized she had mistakenly contacted a cop, not a criminal. She had been texting with an investigator with the Bay County Sheriff’s Office, having saved the cop’s number (under his initials) in her phone after a “previous interaction.” She told police the officer’s initials were “similar to her drug dealer’s” which caused the mix-up. A search of the woman’s car turned up a variety of drug paraphernalia, some of which tested positive for the presence of fentanyl. She was charged with one felony and two misdemeanors. (PSA: Label your contacts carefully…especially if they sell fentanyl or arrest people.)
“Ocean’s Two: Dumb, Wet and Caught”… Police in Jefferson County, Washington, described a burglary which ended up with two arrests and a sunken getaway vessel. It began after a homeowner called 911 over what he said was the theft of about $11,000 worth of gold and jewelry from a storage container. He told authorities that the thieves were a man and woman dressed in black who left the scene in an SUV with covered license plates. Deputies in Kitsap County eventually found the flipped over SUV which had crashed, but the suspects had by then fled on foot. Deputies tracked them down with a drone and quickly spotted them in a stolen rowboat on Port Gamble Bay, trying to row away using makeshift paddles, including a piece of plywood. The rowboat soon began to flood with water, “forcing the suspects to swim back to land and right into the hands of deputies,” who arrested them. (You know it’s a bad heist when your getaway car is a leaky skiff and a piece of plywood.)
Stay tuned, I suspect we’ll hear from him again in the not too distant future… A 12-year-old boy from Grand Traverse County in Michigan has been charged with joyriding, operating a motor vehicle without a license, carrying a concealed weapon, and possession of marijuana. The boy’s parents contacted the county sheriff when they realized their 2000 Chevy Blazer was missing, saying their son had taken it. They had tracked his progress south into Clare County, where deputies were alerted to be on the lookout. By the time the lad was stopped, he had driven more than 90 miles; officers found a 12-gauge pump-action shotgun and ammunition, along with a little weed. He did tell deputies he was unhappy at home. (Apparently, Grand Theft Auto isn’t just a video game.)
“He ran into some resistance…about 30 feet tall and made of pressure-treated wood.”… The Hernando County (Florida) Sheriff’s Office pulled over a car for a routine traffic stop. When deputies approached the car, they noticed “a rolled cigar containing a green leafy substance which they identified as marijuana.” They pulled out the driver and a passenger while they searched the car more thoroughly, finding other alleged drugs and paraphernalia. Deputies said that, when they turned to arrest the 39-year-old driver, he took off running, but was immediately apprehended – thanks to the utility pole which he slammed into at full speed. The man and his 36-year-old passenger were arrested and charged with multiple drug offenses. (Marijuana may impair memory – like remembering how solid wood works.)
Resistance is futile… A 76-year-old retiree from Huntington, New York, is stuck in a strange Star Trek themed nightmare. Though she stopped driving in 2020 and surrendered her vanity plate honoring the fictional USS Enterprise (NCC-1701), she’s still getting traffic tickets from around the US – including for speeding, red light violations and even a robbery in Ohio. The issue? Star Trek novelty license plates like hers sell online for around $15 and people use them illegally. Her name remains tied to the plate in New York’s DMV system, racking up tens of thousands in fines she can’t afford. The DMV acknowledges the problem, but calls it a law enforcement issue. Said the woman, “I’ve run out of ink. I’ve run out of stamps,” as she continues to fight tickets for a car she no longer owns. (Bureaucracy – the final frontier)
His love handles moving in the Customs line gave him away… Customs officials at the Lima, Peru, airport spotted something unusual about a 28-year-old man boarding a flight. The passenger, a citizen of South Korea, was returning home, but he was of interest because of his extremely swollen stomach. When directed to lift his shirt, officials spotted a creepy, crawly cargo: 320 tarantulas, 110 centipedes and nine bullet ants. Each bug had its own plastic bag, all of which were attached to two girdles wrapped around the man’s body. The 35 adult tarantulas were each about the size of a human hand. All of the bugs are native to the Amazon region of Peru and the discovery was part of the illegal wildlife trafficking worth millions of dollars. The man was arrested with charges pending. (Perhaps this was just a diversion so that the cocaine smuggler could make it through.)
Because of her temper tantrum, they cantaloupe… A 51-year-old Florida woman has been charged with domestic battery for allegedly throwing a watermelon at her boyfriend. During a “verbal confrontation,” the woman allegedly “picked up a whole watermelon and threw it in the direction of the victim,” police say. The 56-year-old man told police she threw the watermelon “only out of frustration,” but she denied tossing it in her beau’s direction. Upon arrival at the motel where they were residing, police noticed “there were watermelon seeds…on the victim’s face and clothing.” The ferocious female was arrested for domestic battery, a misdemeanor. After spending a night in jail, she was released from custody on her own recognizance. A judge has directed the woman, who has pleaded not guilty, to have no contact with the victim. (I’m sure they’re both feeling a little melon-choly now.)
That’s one way to get a seat to fully recline… A traveler who was flying aboard a United Airlines plane from Austin, Texas, to Los Angeles suddenly lost his composure and started beating up…his seat. The passenger, dressed in sweats, stood on his seat and repeatedly kicked its backrest as bystanders watched and took video. “The flight attendant walked by a couple times. Nobody was doing anything,” said a rather dismayed witness. He and other passengers decided to take matters into their own hands by zip-tying the irate passenger’s hands and feet and strapping him into a seat. About an hour later, as the flight landed, law enforcement met them at the gate. United Airlines said the perturbed passenger has been banned from future flights. (The airlines need to consider putting limits on how much coffee they serve passengers.)