James L. McClinton, Ph.D.
That can’t look good on a résumé… The quarterbacks coach for the Cigarroa Toros football program in Laredo, Texas, was arrested after he called police to report that a prostitute had stolen money from him. When the coach tried to pay her, she allegedly grabbed $100 and ran away. The coach, who is also a health and physical education teacher at Cigarroa High School, faced a $2,500 bond for soliciting prostitution and was released later that day. He was placed on administrative leave by the district. (He was only looking for a long-term relationship…at an hourly rate.)
He was likely a strong advocate of legalizing marinara… Emergency officials in Stoughton, Wisconsin, contacted the county public health agency after transporting five people with “possible foodborne illness exposure.” The one thing which everyone shared was a visit to a local pizza joint. However, it wasn’t tainted onions which sickened patrons. It turns out that a worker at the restaurant ran out of oil while making pizzas, so he visited a shared industrial kitchen nearby. The oil he grabbed was from “food-grade hemp” and contained Delta-9 cannabis, or THC – the active ingredient in marijuana. The restaurant ended up serving “60 contaminated pizzas,” prompting “dozens of reports” of sickness. The restaurant was closed for deep cleaning. (It originally started with only nine pizzas, until people started eating them and then ordering more.)
Wow, they did NAZI that coming… The owners of a restaurant in Hudson, Massachusetts, were forced to close their establishment temporarily in the wake of bad judgment. It seems a group of World War II reenactors dined at the restaurant after an American Heritage Museum event. But, two of the actors were wearing Nazi uniforms which didn’t sit well with the locals. A trustee of the museum called the incident “beyond thoughtless” and said the museum doesn’t even allow costumes with SS collars on its grounds. “It’s at a time when antisemitic violence is on the rise…that’s repugnant,” he said. The restaurant received threats against its workers and apologized for allowing the costumed diners. (Common sense? Nothing could be führer from the truth.)
He obviously doesn’t know the old “Olly Olly oxen free” trick… It’s commonly understood that, if you’re wanted for criminal acts, it’s a good idea to stay off social media. The Aurora and Marionville Police Department, in Lawrence County, Missouri, asked for help from the public in tracking down a person being sought, posting his name on their social media account and asking for anyone with information to come forward. So, who do you think submitted the first response to their post? None other than our wanted whiz kid who said, “Aurora and Marionville Police Department What’s Up?” The police wasted no time responding and this blockhead went back and forth with them online, leading to his arrest for operating a vehicle without a valid license; three counts of resisting arrest for a felony; receiving stolen property; unlawful possession of a firearm; possession of controlled substances; and first-degree burglary. (I hope he updates his profile pic when he gets out!)
He should have called tech support… When a 33-year-old man attempted to steal a Corvette in a Miami Beach, Florida, parking garage, he encountered a little trouble – he got stuck inside the car and that is where its owner found him. “Can I get out?” the thief asked the owner, who recorded the incident on his phone. “No, you can’t get out. We’re calling the police.” The owner said the car’s security system wouldn’t allow the thief to start the car or escape. “He didn’t know about the manual door release under the seat,” he added. The alleged thief was held on a $2,500 bond. (I’ve got one of the best theft protection gadgets in existence: a manual transmission.)
A real chimp off the old block?… Residents in a small South Carolina town are finding themselves in the middle of a real-life jungle adventure after 43 monkeys escaped from a research facility. The Yemassee Police Department said the primates escaped from the Alpha Genesis Primate Research Center and are believed to be in the wooded region surrounding the facility. Residents were strongly advised to keep doors and windows secured “to prevent these animals from entering homes,” the police department posted. The monkeys are nonviolent, but may be growing restless due to hunger. Traps to catch the animals on the run have been set and the police department was using thermal imaging cameras to find them. This is a developing story. (Here they come, walking down the street. They get the funniest looks from everyone they meet.)
AK-47 is short for Aluminum Kan-47… “We have enough information to believe the video has caused fear to at least one student and understandably so,” claims a woman who is the superintendent of Missouri’s Mountain View-Birch Tree School District. “The safety and well-being of our students is our top priority.” That must be why a student was suspended from Liberty Middle School in Mountain View over the video. The lad’s mother was told he had to be subjected to a thorough search. The boy’s mother defended him, saying that, if he’d actually made a direct threat, “he would be in a lot of trouble, not just at school, but at home.” However, what the posted video of her son showed was not an actual AK-47, but an AK-47-shaped “rifle” made out of empty Dr. Pepper cans. (Loaded with high fructose corn syrup…)