BUSTED! Real Stories of Genuine Absurdity May/June 2023

A car hooked up to an electrical car charger

James L. McClinton, Ph.D.

But, they were helping to save the environment… Criminal masterminds in Gwinnett County, Georgia, carried out a foolproof plan. The criminals broke into a store and stole several pieces of gaming equipment. However, it seems that their departure was quickly stopped in its tracks. These eco-friendly thieves made their getaway in a Tesla. But, as it is with all electric vehicles, it needed to be charged. And, that’s where the police located them – at a Tesla charging station not far from the crime scene. But, it didn’t end there! In addition to the gaming systems, the thieves were also found with two pounds of marijuana. (Oh, they got charged…with grand larceny and possession!)

No word yet on the origins of the bird… A Dutch police officer in Boxtel posted about his moment while driving that he was concerned that the city was the subject of international espionage. “During my surveillance rounds, my eyes fell on a suspected ‘spy balloon’ above my neighborhood,” the officer wrote. “I decided to keep following the balloon and it soon became clear that the balloon was hanging over the district,” he added. He decided to pull his car over to investigate. That’s where he discovered that the object he was following was actually bird poop on his windshield. Once he cleaned the bird droppings off his windshield, the suspected spy balloon was no longer visible. With tongue in cheek, he posted for all the world to see, “Boxtel is safe!” (The spy balloon is doing 20, now 40, now 60, now 80 down the boulevard – I’m struggling to keep up with it!)

Love is in the air…after she tried to put him in the ground… A man and wife in Allentown, Pennsylvania, recently celebrated 57 years of marriage. The husband told reporters, “We have been blessed that we had all these years,” adding “there was that one [point] when we had a rough time.” He was referring to the period in 1983 when his wife hired hitmen a total of five times to kill him. “I don’t think I was thinking straight,” she said. “It was like it was a love-hate kind of a thing.” Of course, the murder attempts weren’t successful and the wife and the hitmen were arrested. She spent four years in prison, but their love remained strong and unwavering. The two “lovers” got counseling and committed to better communication and now, decades later, have a long marriage to show for their efforts. (They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!)

Did he include the PIN number?… Authorities arrested a Florida man who they said broke into a convenience store and stole some items, while leaving his debit card behind. The Flagler County Sheriff said the suspect told deputies he left his debit card so he “could come back later and pay” for the items he took. After deputies responded to an alarm at a closed Palm Coast gas station in the early morning, the store owner showed them surveillance video and they also located a debit card with the suspect’s name on it on the counter near the register, the sheriff said. The Sheriff said, “Leaving a debit card behind does not absolve you from theft or committing a burglary.” Deputies said they tracked the man down to return the debit card – and arrested him for burglary and theft. (Here, just put my theft on the card.)

Let’s just hope the police can “ketchup” with these criminals… Catalytic converter thefts in Las Vegas put the bite on one of America’s most famous hot dogs. The catalytic converter was recently stolen from the 27-foot-long Oscar Mayer® Weinermobile® while the vehicle was parked at a hotel parking lot. The converter was sawed off and illegally sold which is a growing problem nationwide. Acquiring new catalytic convertors is sometimes on a four month backorder. Metro Police said it has not yet received a theft report, but the hotel where it was stolen says its corporate division is investigating…relish the thought! (No cat for this dog!)

Baaaad boy…Baaaad boy…what ya gonna do when they come for ewe?… A convicted murderer serving 15 years in a Bolivian prison thought he had found the perfect way to escape – by dressing as a sheep. The convict used a fleece coat to sneak past security guards and even made it to a field – where he was caught crawling around on all fours impersonating the farmyard animal. Officers quickly noticed that he was not in his cell and scrambled to find him. It wasn’t long before they realized that one of the sheep in the field looked a little unusual. The director of the Bolivian Penitentiary Regime quickly reassured locals living close by that the killer had been captured. (He was feeling a little sheepish after getting caught…)

The school lunches are enough to keep most from returning… A 29-year-old woman was arrested and charged after allegedly using a forged birth certificate to enroll at a local high school. The New Brunswick, NJ, Police Department said the woman faces a single, third-degree charge for providing a false government document with intent to verify age or identity. She is accused of presenting a fake birth certificate in an attempt to attend public high school classes “as a juvenile” student. Her charade didn’t last long and she reportedly managed to attend classes for only four days. (I guess that she identifies as a teenager.)