BUSTED! – Real Stories of Genuine Absurdity July/August 2019

James L. McClinton, Ph.D

Road hog?… In Minnesota, a driver who was pulled over for having trouble staying in his lane turned out to be operating the vehicle with a 250 pound pig on his lap. He also had a smaller pig with him. The man’s erratic driving was apparently caused by the larger pig leaning against the steering wheel. A spokesman told reporters that the man had his pigs on his lap because he was moving to another part of the state and didn’t want the pigs to get cold on the journey. The sergeant let the driver off with a warning. (I don’t like my bacon cold, either.)

He didn’t notice the “tailgater” following him at a distance of a half inch?… Police stopped a driver in Waterboro, Maine, after noticing a large pickup towing another vehicle down Route 202. After observing that there were no taillights on either car, a traffic stop was conducted. When the driver was asked if he was aware that there were no lights on the vehicle he was towing, he responded, “What vehicle?” Police determined that the driver had backed into the second car in a parking lot and the trailer hitch on his truck had become ensnared in the bumper of the car. He had then pulled away with the car attached, not knowing he was “towing” it down the road. The driver of the pickup was charged with DUI. (“Warning: Objects in Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear.”)

Who held the beer?… In Rogers, Arkansas, two neighbors aged 50 and 36, were hanging out on one’s back porch, drinking and enjoying the spring air. One was wearing a body armor vest – for no particular reason – and invited the other to shoot him with a .22 caliber rifle. The vest did its job and blocked the bullet, but it still hurt and left a red mark on his upper chest. Then, the other man put the vest on and the first man “unloaded the clip into back,” also leaving bruises. But, he then went to the hospital where staff alerted the Benton County Sheriff’s Office. He initially told officers an elaborate story about being shot while protecting “an asset” in a dramatic gunfight, but his wife told police about the back porch challenge. Both men were arrested for suspicion of aggravated assault. (Check eBay for a used vest for sale.)

Deputies made a clean sweep of the home… In Washington County, Oregon, deputies received a report of a burglary in progress at a residence. When they arrived, they were greeted by a very upset woman. She told them there was someone in her bathroom behind a locked door and that she could see shadows moving behind the door. The deputies investigated and confirmed a rustling noise coming from the bathroom. The house was quickly surrounded and a K-9 team was called in for backup. They used a bullhorn to urge the suspect to surrender, but, after receiving no response, deputies entered the home with guns drawn. Asking the intruder one last time to give himself up, the deputies knocked down a door to find…a robotic vacuum cleaner whirring around on the bathroom floor. The intruder turned out to be a Roomba® – no charges were filed. (Up until now, the Roomba had a spotless record.)

Sorry, pal, but this ain’t San Fran-disco… Lawbreaking turned into breakdancing at the end of a Southern California vehicle pursuit. Viewers were treated to video of the incident as TV news helicopters hovered overhead. The accused was pursued by the California Highway Patrol and finally surrendered, but broke out into a ten second dance before being handcuffed. After a lengthy pursuit, a CHP cruiser finally bumped the car and spun it out. The driver got out with his hands up, but did not comply with the officers pointing guns at him. As the scene became illuminated by a police helicopter’s spotlight, the driver suddenly busted a move before being busted. (Now, he’s dancing with the stars…the kind detention officers wear on their chest.)

He probably should have chased it with a bottle of Old Spice… Police pulled a man over in Spartanburg, South Carolina, for reckless driving. Well aware that he was in big trouble, with an almost empty 12 pack of beer on the floor and another one between his legs on the seat, he immediately did a little damage control to mitigate the situation. He grabbed a can of Axe body spray which he just happened to have in his car and sprayed the product directly into his mouth. While the product is intended to help a man smell his best, it didn’t work with the officers and he flunked his DUI test. They quickly placed him under arrest. (Attractive women swarming the car after being pulled over was a dead giveaway.)