BUSTED! – Real Stories of Genuine Absurdity May/June 2019

Map of Mexico

James L. McClinton, Ph.D

I wonder if “foreign passports” are also required for residents of New England?… A District of Columbia Marriage Bureau clerk and her supervisor refused to accept a New Mexico man’s state driver’s license when he tried to obtain a marriage license because they both believed that New Mexico is a foreign country. After approaching the clerk for a license and showing his New Mexico ID, the clerk told him he needed an international passport to get the marriage license. He protested to a supervisor, who also told him that he needed a foreign passport. The clerk finally concluded New Mexico was a state after the man objected three times. He told reporters, “All the couples behind us waiting in line were laughing.” New Mexico became a US state in 1912. (If that weren’t funny enough, please note that there’s a town in New Mexico named “Cuba.”)

Relationships can be soooo complicatedA 38-year-old man in Richland, Washington, engaged in an amusing dialogue with police after the local department posted a wanted photo of him on its Facebook page. Five hours after the posting, he responded with, “Calm down, I’m going to turn myself in.” When he was a no-show, the department messaged him the next day, “Hey, Anthony! We haven’t seen you yet.” Officers even offered him a ride, but he couldn’t be bothered. “Thank you, I’m tying up a couple of loose ends since I will probably be in there for a month.” He promised to surrender within 48 hours. When the weekend passed without any sign of him, officers wrote, “Is it us? We waited, but you didn’t show.” To which he replied, “Dear RPD, it’s not you, it’s me. I obviously have commitment issues…. P.S. You’re beautiful.” Finally, days later, he arrived at the Richland police station, posting a selfie with the caption, “Thank you, RPD, for letting me do this on my own.” (Love means never having to say “you’re under arrest.”)

Thanks to this guy, we now have a new definition of “high” tech… Police in California made a surprising discovery when they pulled over a Tesla Model 3. Inside, they found a DUI driver…asleep. Suspecting the car was on autopilot, and with the driver not responding to lights and sirens, they managed to stop the vehicle by surrounding it and gradually slowing it down. The autopilot feature responded to the close proximity by reducing its speed and eventually coming to a complete stop. It took nearly ten minutes stretching seven miles before the vehicle was halted. The car was also in driver-assist mode and using Traffic-Aware Cruise Control. (This sounds like an advertisement for Tesla vehicles.)

This banana bread is amazing!… Nearly $18 million worth of cocaine was found in boxes of bananas which were donated to a prison in Texas. The Texas Department of Criminal Justice said 45 boxes of bananas from Ports of America in Freeport, Texas, were donated to the Wayne Scott Unit, a prison about 32 miles north, because the fruit was already ripe. But, when corrections officers were unloading the boxes, one of them “discovered something not quite right.” “One of the boxes felt different than the others,” officials said. “They snipped the straps, pulled the box free and opened it up. Inside, under a bundle of bananas, he found another bundle containing a white powdery substance.” US Customs and Border Protection officials tested the substance and found that it was cocaine. In all, 540 packages of cocaine were in the banana boxes, with an estimated street value of $17,820,000. Prison officials and Drug Enforcement Administration are now investigating. (Life is like a box of bananas – you never know what you are gonna get.)

“Sure, we can have a date – A DATE IN COURT!”… An Oklahoma woman looking for love got more than she bargained for when she unwittingly bragged about illegally shooting a “big ol’ buck” on a dating app. It turned out that her potential match was a state game warden. The Oklahoma game warden says he uncovered the poaching in a conversation on Bumble with a McIntosh County woman. She talked about using a spotlight to shoot the deer at night. The woman only harvested the head and backstrap meat and sent the game warden pictures as proof. She has pleaded guilty to charges of improper possession of an illegally taken animal and taking game out of season. (What a sad story – this officer blew his chance to marry the perfect woman!)

Thumpetty thump thump… A heavy snowfall in Petersburg, Kentucky, inspired a family to build a very large snowman which was over nine feet tall. That attracted a lot of attention amongst a lot of different people, including those who saw it as a target. These individuals drove their vehicle up into the yard and headed straight for our frosty friend. Unfortunately, the snowman’s inner base wasn’t made of snow – it was a tree stump. Frosty won the match and the vehicle sustained damage the driver hadn’t counted on. Police have clear tire tracks leading to the snowman, but no leads on Frosty’s assailants just yet. (Well, that’s “car-ma” for you.)