BUSTED! – Real Stories of Genuine Absurdity March April 2019

One way sign with arrows

James L. McClinton, Ph.D

This qualifies them to be nominated for “Redneck of the Year” by the Rednecks of America… In Florida, a 32-year-old male and 20-year-old female were arrested after they were caught (allegedly) selling drugs out of a drive-thru window they constructed out of the side of their mobile home. Investigators raided their residence following reports of heroin sales in the area. The couple had turned a kitchen window into a drive-thru so customers would not have to constantly enter and exit their home. The Marion County Sheriff’s Office said the house had signs directing people where to drive and indicated whether it was open or closed. (If they ever decide to reopen for business, they’ll need to scale back on the flashing neon signs.)

I’d love to be there when he learns he can’t use his “cash” to post bail… Security cameras at a YMCA Child Development Center in Indio, California, captured the activity of a less than brilliant thief. Video shows him kicking through the ductwork of the facility. He then dropped to the floor, opened the cash register, stole all the money inside, and made a quick exit. As mentioned, this was a Child Development Center and the cash register was actually a toy. And, the cash it contained was actually play money. (I suspect the thief was someone who failed to graduate from the center.)

FYI, emotional support honey badgers are also banned on flights… Police at a Florida airport removed a passenger who refused to get off a Cleveland bound flight after she was found carrying an “emotional support squirrel.” Passengers had already boarded Flight 1612 at Orlando International Airport when they were told there was a “situation” and everyone needed to get off the plane. The airline says the passenger had noted in her reservation that she was bringing an emotional support animal with her. Rodents, including squirrels, are not one of the emotional support animals allowed on the airline’s flights. (Apparently, the airline smelled a rat…with a fuzzy tail.)

“I thought my burrito tasted odd…” A Florida gas station is struggling with an unusual problem – customers are frequently using the store microwave to heat “clean” urine (untainted by illegal drugs). It’s gotten so bad that a sign has been posted on the microwave, “Only for food use. Do not warm urine.” The convenience store is located steps away from LabCorp which offers drug testing services. (Your urine sample is 155 degrees; have you tampered with it?”)

Was the kid working “undercover”?… Police pulled a car over in New Scotland, New York, for driving erratically. The driver was asked to step out of the vehicle while another officer took a look at a three-year-old girl who was improperly restrained. It was at this point that the toddler reached under the seat, pulled out a baggie, opened it, and handed it to the officer. Inside was marijuana, a pipe and a grinder. Oops. The man and woman were busted and the child taken into protective custody. (I see a future narc officer.)

Smoking this stuff doesn’t make you high, but it gives you a craving for tomato-based sauces… In Colorado Springs, where some stores sell marijuana, they use elaborate displays to promote their products. Out of weed, a group of teenagers smashed a van through the storefront of the Native Roots shop, ran inside and grabbed all the pot they could before running to a waiting getaway car. In the process, they left the van inside the store. It turns out the store doesn’t use real pot in their displays. These kids actually got away with a considerable amount of oregano. (They ended up with the wrong “herb.”)

Going to prison is an easy way to get your ankle bracelet off… A man in Springfield, Missouri, pled guilty to violating a restraining order and was placed on probation. The terms of the probation required him to wear an ankle bracelet. Bummed out by his situation, he discovered a way to remove it using a butter knife and a screwdriver. After successfully doing so, he decided to share his technique, posting a do it yourself video on Facebook showing the whole world how it’s done. A lot of viewers were interested, including the police who placed him under arrest. (His next video: “How to Cut Your Own Hair.”)