BUSTED! – Real Stories of Genuine Absurdity September October 2018

Can of baked beans

James L. McClinton, Ph.D.

So, where does a thief work after he gets “canned”?… The sheriff of Bay County, Florida, was on his way to lunch with his chief deputy and a major when they heard an emergency call broadcast: An armed robbery suspect was at a food store in Youngstown. The trio was closest, so they quickly responded. The suspect exited the store holding a hammer as if it was a gun, but retreated back into the store with the three law officers in pursuit. As they looked for the man in the food aisles, “I saw [the major] poke his head out,” the sheriff said, and “the next thing I know, he steps out with a can of Bush’s® Baked Beans and hits the suspect in the upper body.” He took a second shot – with another can of beans – and the other two jumped the stunned man, ending the standoff. After it was over, the sheriff offered his opinion as to why the arrest went so well, “It’s a can-do attitude.” (The suspect was Bush-wacked by a lawman.)

“That’s odd; the ingredients on the brownie mix said nothing about lead content”… An Ohio man was injured after being shot by a gun which went off while it was in his oven. Warren police said the man placed a revolver in the broiler section of the oven to keep it safe. His girlfriend then started using the oven to cook when the gun went off. When he heard the first shot, the man ran upstairs and tried to get the gun out of the oven, but it was too hot. Police said it fired again, striking him. Officers said he is very lucky that his injuries weren’t more serious. (It was a recipe for disaster!)

He doesn’t sound like a member of Ocean’s ElevenA 51-year-old man strolled into a bank in Columbus, Ohio, and handed a teller a note. It said he had a gun and demanded money. The teller turned over a stack of cash with a dye pack, but the robber was too smart for that: He took the money, but threw the dye pack back at the teller and demanded more money. The teller explained that no more money would come out of the machine without a driver’s license. So, the crook handed over his own license which the teller swiped through the machine’s card reader, releasing more cash. Naturally, the bank gave the police the information from the license and he was arrested and charged with aggravated robbery. (At least he had a valid license…)

Life in the fast lane!… A motorist driving on Interstate 95 in Miami, Florida, noticed a 22-year-old man on the hood of the car next to him. He witnessed a woman driving the car at speeds of up to 70 mph, with a man on the hood talking on a phone – with the police. It turned out that the two shared ownership of the car. On that day, both of them needed the car, but the woman beat him to it, so he jumped on the hood to keep her from leaving. It didn’t work; she drove off anyway. She was arrested and charged with crimes against a person – exposing them to harm. “This woman is going to kill me,” he said to reporters later. “She’s really out to kill me.” (It sounds like she was also driving him crazy.)

Clearly, something she rarely uses… A young woman endured an “exhausting” ordeal when she got her head stuck in a truck’s oversized tailpipe at a Minnesota music festival. Firefighters had to use a power saw to free the woman at the recent Winstock Music Festival in Winsted, Minnesota. In overstating the obvious, law enforcement officials say alcohol may have been a factor. (You might be a redneck if…”)

That’s why you ALWAYS ask for a receipt… When a 49-year-old man called the sheriff’s office in Putnam County, Florida, to complain that the meth he had been sold was fake, deputies cheerfully offered to test it for him. He told detectives that he wanted to sue the dealer if he had been sold the wrong drug. He arrived at the sheriff’s office and “handed detectives a clear, crystal-like substance wrapped in aluminum foil.” It “field-tested positive for methamphetamine” and the man was arrested and charged with possession of meth. Deputies posted on Facebook, “Remember, our detectives are always ready to assist anyone who believes they were misled in their illegal drug purchase.” (You can’t get a meth testing kit at the dollar store?)

Did they lure him with a donut?… Police officers in North Ridgeville, Ohio, were confident that the man who called them at 5:26 a.m. to report being followed by a pig was impaired and hallucinating. But, sure enough, officers on the scene found a completely sober man walking home from the Elyria Amtrak station with a pig trailing behind him. Police posted that a patrolman wrangled the porker into the backseat of his cruiser and secured it in the station’s dog kennels where the owner later retrieved it. “Also,” the post noted, “we will mention the irony of the pig in a police car now, so that anyone who thinks they’re funny is actually unoriginal and trying too hard.” (Maybe the pig was just looking for a blanket?)

Sober, he’s a nonsmoker… When a man rear-ended another car on I-80 near Sacramento, California, there were no serious injuries. Unfortunately, the fuel line on his car was punctured and that caused the vehicle to burst into flames. When police responders arrived on the scene, they were surprised to see the driver attempting to light a cigarette in the flames coming from the car. Not surprisingly, they decided to look into his status and ended up arresting and charging him with DUI. (He picked the wrong day to quit smoking.)