The human race seems obsessed with finding intelligent life on other worlds. But, all of the evidence indicates that we need to focus our search here on planet Earth. Read the following true accounts and see if you agree.

James L. McClinton, Ph.D.

I bet I can guess exactly where he was sitting when he came up with that plan… Police say they matched a would-be pizza shop robber to a roll of toilet paper in his Pennsylvania home. Uniontown police say the 29-year-old man tried to rob Michael Maria’s Pizza by handing an employee a note written on the toilet paper wrapper which read, “I have a gun. Give me $300.” Police arrived shortly after an employee hit a panic button. The accused told officers he was forced to commit the robbery by a large, bearded man with a gun who accosted him in a nearby alley. But, a search of his apartment wiped out that explanation. That’s where they say they found a newly opened roll of toilet paper with the pen impression from his note on an outer sheet. (Uniontown police had “flushed” him out shortly after arriving on scene.)

“At least the officers didn’t have to go looking for it”… Police officers attempted to pull over a vehicle in Kissimmee, Florida, after it was nearly involved in an accident with their cruiser. The police turned on their lights and shined a spotlight on the car which kept moving. It was then that the officers noticed the car’s sunroof open up and spotted a baggie come flying out. Unfortunately, the driver’s aim for the ditch was a wee bit off and the baggie landed squarely on the hood of the police car. Oops. It turns out the baggie contained cocaine and our two occupants of the vehicle were busted for possession of narcotics and tampering with evidence. (I bet they’re going to claim that they were rushing to cooperate by turning over the evidence.)

Jihadist declares war with help from Celine Dion… A recent raid on an ISIS safe house in Syria turned up, among other items (according to Foreign Policy magazine), a Dell™ laptop owned by Tunisian jihadist “Muhammed S.” containing (not unexpectedly) recipes for bubonic plague and ricin, and (less likely) a recipe for banana mousse and a variety of songs by Celine Dion. (In the name of humanity, there needs to be international laws which forbid the use of something as horrific as banana mousse!)

Run, Forrest, run!… Authorities say a wanted man attempted to flee pursuing officers by blending into the sea of Chicago Marathon runners. Police said the 29-year-old Chicago man ran from officers after they approached him. Police said the man jumped into a group of marathon runners in hopes he could make an escape. But, police were ultimately able to tackle and arrest him. He was charged with possession of a controlled substance and resisting arrest. He was also charged with reckless conduct for endangering the marathon runners. (In a related story, police arrest 327 marathon runners for helping a fugitive escape!)

ISIS would be proud of you!… A 41- year-old woman was arrested in Jackson County, Mississippi, allegedly burglarizing students’ cars at East Central High School. When questioned, the woman told police she was only searching out “members of ISIS.” There was no indication that any members of the terrorist group were found in the school’s parking lot. (“I’ll take ‘Lame Excuses’ for $100, Alex.”)

“And, just so you know that I ain’t kiddin’, here’s a picture of some bullets!”… A 34-year-old man who attempted to rob a store in Cambridge, England, apparently couldn’t get his hands on a real gun, so he threatened store staff that he would kill them – while holding up a photograph of a gun. The clerks didn’t feel terribly threatened and reacted by calling police who quickly apprehended the man. Officers didn’t think he was much of a threat to society either. “He was released on bail,” a police spokesman said, and ordered to re- turn to face charges in two months. (The court promised him a suitable public defender – a photograph of a lawyer.)

The O.J. Simpson record for low speed chases no longer stands!… Police say a Florida man was arrested after he stole a front-end bucket loader and led authorities on a chase for 90 minutes. The 32-year-old man is being held at the Pinellas County jail for stealing a Volvo L110G – a 20 ton, $250,000 front-end loader – from a construction site. After receiving a tip about a front-end loader being driven erratically, police attempted to pull him over while he ignored sirens and emergency lights. Police followed the movements of the front-end loader which traveled at a top speed of 25 mph, but officers had few ways to actually stop the vehicle. It eventually ran out of gas 90 minutes later and police arrested the man who has a history of driving with a suspended license, disorderly conduct and driving under the influence. (He only drinks on two occasions: when he’s thirsty and when he’s not.)