The human race seems obsessed with finding intelligent life on other worlds. But, all of the evidence indicates that we need to focus our search here on planet Earth. Read the following true accounts and see if you agree.

James L. McClinton, Ph.D.

Tomaszewski throws a hard uppercut that wobbles Tomaszewski. Tomaszewski retaliates with a right to Tomaszewski’s jaw… Oregon authorities have released a video of a man who claimed to have been assaulted by detectives. The four minute video shows Aleksander Tomaszewski punching himself in the face 45 times while in his jail cell. The Lane County Sheriff’s Office said the 33-year-old man claimed to have been physically assaulted by detectives while being questioned, but deputies reviewed security tapes from the county jail and saw him repeatedly punch himself in the face to give himself black eyes. (If he was trying to knock some sense into himself, he needs to give it another shot.)

Sleeping on the job can have consequences… Deputies in Santa Rosa County, Florida, arrested a 37-year-old man after he fled on foot from a recent traffic stop. Deputies chased him a while, then called for K-9 backup. By the time the dogs arrived, a sound resembling a “snorting wild boar” saturated the area. Officers easily located the snoring suspect who was found asleep under a tree and was arrested. (I’m sure this human buzz saw will be real popular with his fellow inmates when it’s “lights out” time!)

His friends never should have “goated” him on… Police in Georgia said they arrested a group of teenagers accused of stealing a goat so one of the boys could use it to ask a girl to “goat” with him to the prom. Milton police said three 17-year-olds were seen with a 16-year-old accomplice stealing the pet goat, named Chip, from a Milton home about 11:30 p.m. The witness called 911 and the teens were pulled over with the goat still in the back of the pickup truck. The police report said one lad told officers he wanted to use the goat as a prop to ask a girl, “Would you goat with me to the prom?” (Her response: “Iguana think about it.”)

This man learned the hard way that “selfie” can also mean “self-inflicted”!… Police caught up to a man trying to flee assault charges because he posted a selfie on Facebook while sitting on a Greyhound bus, a police chief said. The suspect had been living in the borough about 20 miles northwest of Pittsburgh when he was charged with assaulting a woman and refusing to let her leave her apartment after an argument. An hour after the woman called police, they learned that the man posted the Facebook message, “IT’S TIME TO LEAVE PA.” Police couldn’t find him right away, but the woman called the chief after she noticed the Facebook selfie with the message saying, “OMW TO SPARTANSBURG SC SAY A PRAYER FOR ME.” The picture showed the man sitting on a bus and, acting on a hunch, police called the Pittsburgh Greyhound bus terminal and learned a bus to Spartanburg had left 15 minutes earlier. After learning it would stop in Youngstown, Ohio, officers arranged for Youngstown police to arrest the man on a warrant they faxed them. (Self duh-struction…)

This was not the first public restroom in a retail store which resembled a toxic waste dump… Indiana police dispatched to a Walmart store in Muncie said they discovered an active meth lab in the men’s restroom. The Pendleton District Meth Suppression Team said workers at the Muncie Walmart called police when a suspicious backpack was found abandoned in the men’s restroom. Officers discovered the backpack contained an active methamphetamine lab and the meth suppression team was called in to dismantle the apparatus. Indiana State Police said meth dealers are increasingly leaving labs in public places to cook rather than risk explosions or contamination at their own homes. They said the dealers leave the chemicals to cook and later return for the finished product. (It was probably the only thing in the entire store which wasn’t made in China.)

If I had to guess, I’d say he was just desperate to get his company’s direct mail campaign out on time!… A man in Muhlenberg Township, Pennsylvania, applied his vast intellect to a scheme which would earn him lots of cold cash. He would stake out an ATM machine, wait for someone to approach it, and then rob the victim at knifepoint. Things were going according to plan – his victim was at the machine, so he sprang into action. But, then, the surprised woman told him she had no money and couldn’t get any out of the machine. There was a good reason for that – the ATM was actually a stamp dispensing machine at the local post office. After the woman screamed, post office workers ran to her aid and the failed robber fled on foot. The police caught him a short time later hiding in a dumpster at a nearby business. (Those wedding invites aren’t going to mail themselves.)