The human race seems obsessed with finding intelligent life on other worlds. But, all of the evidence indicates that we need to focus our search here on planet Earth. Read the following true accounts and see if you agree.
Here’s a thief who tries her best to keep “a”breast of criminal techniques… In Washington State, Spokane County sheriff’s deputies said a woman was hiding nearly $26,000 in her bra when she was booked into jail for investigation of theft. The woman was one of three area residents arrested as part of an alleged fraud ring. A sheriff’s spokesman said the three were arrested after a worker at one bank reported that they tried to obtain money using a stolen credit card. The investigators followed the ring to two other banks before making the bust. He said that, during a search at the Spokane County Jail, guards found that the 24-year-old woman – who is six feet tall and 400 pounds – had the cash hidden in her bra along with bank receipts. (Officers were overheard saying that it was an “easy bust”!)
This guy doesn’t know the meaning of “fear,” but, then again, he doesn’t know the meaning of a lot of words!… Sheriff’s deputies in Montcalm County, Michigan, got their man. The “gentleman,” in court on an earlier charge, became unruly and escaped from two different sets of officers (despite a TASER®ing). Another court officer tried to stop him outside, but he got loose (despite being “pepper sprayed”). He locked himself inside a van, but officers surrounded it, broke a window, and TASERed him again, yet couldn’t stop him from driving off. After a high-speed chase, state troopers disabled his tires with “stop sticks,” but couldn’t apprehend him before he reached his home where he barricaded himself. Officers surrounded the house and four of them (plus a police dog) entered, but the man escaped and got into another vehicle. Finally, after another chase, he was forced off the road, TASERed a third time, and subdued. (It’s a shame we can’t draft guys like this and use them in combat!)
Here’s an excellent example of (con)temporary insanity!… A seventh grade girl was suspended from River Valley Middle School in Jefferson, Indiana, even though she apparently did exactly what her parents and the school want kids to do (“just say ‘no’ ” to drugs). When a classmate handed her a prescription pill in gym class, she immediately handed it right back. Nonetheless, an assistant principal, after investigating the incident, suspended her for five days because she had touched the pill. The principal expressed regret, but said it is school policy. (Could someone please enlighten me – what, pray tell, would have been the “right thing” for the girl to do?)
These guys got all of their exercise by pushing their luck!… In Missouri, two Columbia sanitation workers, who apparently couldn’t stand by and let beer go down the drain, allegedly took dozens of cases of expired brew from the city landfill. Police and city supervisors are trying to determine if the salvage was a crime – theft of city property – or just a policy violation. A Columbia distributor, Scheppers Distributing Co., sent 1,500 cases of expired beer to the landfill on April 1 in two shipments. The first shipment was destroyed immediately, but the second, containing about 700 cases of Budweiser and Michelob Ultra, was not. Two Solid Waste Division workers brought a city pickup truck to the landfill and hauled off about 50 cases of the beer. Word spread of the acquisition. A week later, city officials reviewed video from the landfill and saw the workers drive away with their haul. City officials say they still don’t know what happened to the beer. (I’ll bet I could hazard a pretty good guess as to what happened to the beer!)
This is what happens when you stop to think and forget to start again!… In Adair County, Kentucky, the sheriff said, “We’re all still getting used to how things are laid out in the new building.” He said this the day the new Adair County Judicial Center opened after a court security officer had a problem. The officer stepped outside and, when he came back in, he took a wrong turn and walked into a holding cell for prisoners. When the door closed behind him, he was locked in. He tried using his cell phone to call for help, but couldn’t get a signal. The officer “just panicked,” said the sheriff. He then “started trying to shoot the glass out” of the cell door. “Of course, it’s bulletproof, so that didn’t work,” he said. No one reported hearing any gunshots, but, when other employees noticed he was missing, they went looking for him and found him. (Now, about that pre-employment screening process…)
People like him don’t grow on trees; they swing from them… A North Carolina man was sentenced to three days in jail for violating probation by leaving the state to appear on “The Jerry Springer Show.” The man’s probation officer spotted him on the TV program taped in Connecticut. The 30-year-old man and his girlfriend got an all expenses paid trip to appear on the show where he boasted about a one-night stand with a stripper. A video clip shows him running around the stage dodging swings from his girlfriend. While the couple fought, the stripper started twirling around a pole. The stripper and the man’s girlfriend then turned on each other. (You think his parents might be siblings?)
Getting “hooked” on crime can be a real “pain in the…”… A burglar in Cloppenburg, Germany, was caught because he couldn’t run from his crime. He broke into a fishing store, then lost his balance and fell onto a display of fishhooks. The unnamed thief ended up with “several fishhooks in his backside,” a police spokeswoman said. And, there was no doubt where they came from since “price tags from the damaged store were still attached to them.” One was embedded so deeply he needed hospital treatment to get it out. (Now, there’s a trophy catch the cops should stuff and hang over someone’s mantle!)
Fortunately, a “gag order” won’t be necessary; she willingly complied!… Authorities in Ohio said a woman tried to rob a bank with a note and then attempted to eat it once she saw a uniformed officer in line behind her. An FBI special agent said the woman, wearing sunglasses, handed the teller the note at a Columbus Chase bank branch. He said in a statement that the off duty officer wasn’t aware of what was going on, but, when the woman noticed him, she grabbed the note and fled. Outside, the officer arrested the 40-year-old Columbus woman. The special agent said she tried to swallow the note as she was nabbed, then coughed it up onto the sidewalk. (I know they make scented stationery, but what about flavored stationery?)
“The halls are alive with the sound of…passion”… A man broke into a jail in Bielefeld, Germany, for the purpose of a little late night lovin’ with his wife who was incarcerated there. This passionate pervert somehow managed to climb a ten foot fence without being spotted by security guards and then used a skeleton key to get into the facility. That was the easy part; keeping himself and his wife quiet was the hard part. Their loud “grunts and groans” got him into trouble after the other female inmates complained to the guards that the noise was keeping them from getting a good night’s sleep. He was arrested and (presumably) taken to a different jail. (“Lookin’ for love in all the wrong places!”)
“Uh, gee, how did you know it was me?”… A man in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, was arrested for bank robbery. Later, he was moved from the jail to a hospital after he reported feeling sick and losing consciousness. While there, he concocted a daring escape plan. He resolved to gain his freedom by simply taking a casual hike out the front door. Amazingly, he was able to get past hospital security despite the fact that he was still in his hospital gown and had an intravenous needle in his arm. But, this moron apparently didn’t think much beyond his flight from the hospital – instead of finding a safe place to hide, he headed straight to the nearest bar. And, yes, he was still wearing his hospital gown and remained tethered to the IV. The bartender thought there was something odd about a patron who looked like that and called the police. He was transported to jail. (What in the world was flowing through that attached I.V. – vodka?)
So, now federal law will soon require warning labels on two carat diamond rings… Police in Missouri say a man accused of stealing a ring coughed up the evidence while officers were questioning him. Pictures of the two carat diamond ring (worth about $20,000) were sent to jewelers in the Joplin area after it was reported stolen. The owner of Newton’s Jewelry recognized the ring when a man and woman came to his store a few hours after the theft and said they wanted to sell it. The owner and his staff stalled them and called police. Police said the man swallowed the ring when officers arrived. While being questioned, he began to cough uncontrollably and eventually coughed up the ring. They were both charged with receiving stolen property. (Unless the laws of physics have changed, you can’t destroy evidence by simply swallowing it – especially gold and diamonds!)