The human race seems obsessed with finding intelligent life on other worlds. But, all of the evidence indicates that we need to focus our search here on planet Earth. Read the following true accounts and see if you agree.

James L. McClinton, Ph.D.

And, as a follow-up assignment, students had to write a paper on how to post bond… A Texas school district is reviewing a sixth grade assignment which had students make a step-by-step plan showing how cocaine gets from a drug cartel to a street dealer.  A teacher in Keller (northeast of Fort Worth) gave out a science class assignment called, “The Cocaine Trade: From Field to Street.” One parent says he contacted administrators after his 11-year-old son brought home the study sheet for an assignment on “Following a Sequence.” He says he felt it was “a diagram of how to become a drug dealer.” Administrators issued a statement saying the assignment “will be reviewed before being considered for future use,” adding that the district will continue efforts to regularly “review, remind and revise drug educational material.” (On the bright side, at least they are likely to get some exposure to the metric system.)

Dumb thieves aren’t equipped to handle smart phones… Police in Columbus, Ohio, said thieves broke into a Verizon store, but the only items they managed to steal were not going to do them much good. Columbus police said the early morning burglary caused significant damage to the store, but the only items stolen were fake phones installed for display. The culprits used large rocks to break the glass door of the business and they cut the phony cell phones loose from display areas. Investigators said the store’s real phones are locked in a vault by employees every night. (And these guys are probably still driving around Columbus looking for a “hot spot” with five bars.)

What can Brown do for you today?… In Akron, Ohio, police had begun searching the home of a 46-year-old suspect (with a warrant in hand) looking for evidence of drug dealing. At that very moment, a UPS driver appeared at the front door to make a routine delivery. The package he delivered consisted of four pounds of marijuana. (The Denver return address label was probably a dead giveaway.)

It puts the “smart” in “smartphone”… Probably one of the dumbest consumer products from 2015 was a gun shaped iPhone® case. The case is so realistic that it became difficult to find one to purchase, even at the online Japan Trend Shop which previously offered models from $5 to $49. When asked about this product, one police officer said, “Why would you want to make yourself look like a threat [to cops]?” (It’s a great gift for that “friend” you don’t really like.)

Maybe they’re shooting a new “Police Academy” movie in Winnipeg?… Police in the Canadian city of Winnipeg apologized after a lewd conversation about sex was broadcast from the loudspeakers of a police helicopter to a neighborhood below. Officers on a routine helicopter patrol inadvertently activated the aircraft’s public address system while they were having a private conversation, the Winnipeg Police Service said. “Some content of the conversation was inappropriate. The involved members were not able to hear the public address system from within the aircraft. They became aware their conversation had been broadcast and immediately turned the system off,” the police said. Residents who could hear the conversation took to social media to urge the police to turn off their loudspeaker. The police department said the incident was under review. (Time to install a huge “ON AIR” lamp in the cockpit!)

The officers should have expressed their gratitude by sending him a case of mixed nuts… A California man sent 20 dozen coconut doughnuts to police officers at the University of Wisconsin-Madison as payback for getting kicked out of a Badger football game. The man traveled from Los Angeles to see the Badgers play Northwestern at Camp Randall Stadium and was assigned a seat in the student section away from his friends. But, when he tried to join his friends, officers threw him out. On Monday, 240 coconut doughnuts mysteriously appeared at police headquarters. The delivery driver gave the officers the man’s name. A university rep tracked down an E-mail address and began corresponding with him. “This was meant as a harmless way to both show general gratitude for the job you do (which is awesome), but slight disdain for my treatment Saturday (which was not so awesome),” the man wrote. Police donated the doughnuts to the Salvation Army. (Sadly, only six were left for the shelter.)

You want proof…you want proof? You can’t handle the proof!… A pedestrian crossing in Cambridge, Massachusetts, may have the most confusing traffic light in the world. If the three clusters of three lights each are dark, drivers proceed. If a pedestrian comes along, one light will blink yellow, then solid yellow, then two solid yellows, then two reds, until two flashing red lights appear in each cluster. In Cambridge (but only in Cambridge!), flashing red lights mean…go (unless pedestrians are actually present). The city has prepared a 12 diagram pamphlet to explain the whole thing and officials say they have statistical proof from tests that the system enhances safety. (Statistics mean never having to say you’re certain!)