In Search of Intelligent Life  

The human race seems obsessed with finding intelligent life on other worlds. But, all of the evidence indicates that we need to focus our search here on planet Earth. Read the following true accounts and see if you agree.

James L. McClinton, Ph.D.

Some undercover cars are really hard to spot… A Washington State Patrol lieutenant recently pulled over a 28-year-old drunk driver in a logistically impressive arrest. When he spotted the driver, the lieutenant happened to be sitting behind the wheel of the 36 foot long RV converted to the department’s mobile unit for processing DUIs. But, that wasn’t a problem for the lawman, who nonetheless managed to maneuver the vehicle well enough to pursue and stop the alleged drunk driver. (Lieutenant: “Your eyes look bloodshot; have you been drinking?” Driver: “Your eyes look glazed; have you been eating donuts?”)

H-m-m-m, I wonder if “selfies” can be used as mug shots?… A 20-year-old woman was arrested in Seattle after calling police to complain that she was being harassed by a man who was following her. After police arrived, their investigation revealed that the “stalker” was simply trying to get his phone back after the woman stole it from him while he was napping on a bus. (Obviously, someone missed the critical thinking symposium.)

Doesn’t seem like he was “cut out” for a life of crime… While armed with a knife, a man entered the Forge Inn in Woodbridge, New Jersey, and then attempted to rob the clerk. But, things didn’t work out for him, so he fled the scene without getting any money. Undaunted, he went to the La Bonbonniere bakery and, again failing in his robbery attempt, settled for a meager $2 he stole from the tip jar. He regrouped the next day and went to the Hess gas station, again armed with a knife. But, like the previous day, he left empty-handed. Finally, he thought he’d give a 7-Eleven® store a try and tried to rob it. He had the same results and ended up leaving empty-handed. But, this time, the police were in the vicinity and were able to apprehend our hopeless criminal. The final tally was: amount stolen – $2; bail – $50,000. (Wouldn’t it have been a lot easier, and financially more productive, to just get a job?)

Sorry, lady, the fact that your tax dollars help pay police operating expenses doesn’t give you the right to use their cars!… Pittsburgh police say a drunken woman tried to drive away in an unmarked police car – with two officers still inside. According to a criminal complaint, the 32-year-old woman got into the car at about 2:15 a.m. outside a nightclub which was hosting a party after a Wiz Khalifa concert. Police say she sat in the driver’s seat and told the two plainclothes officers in the back that she intended to drive the vehicle to where her own was parked. Police say she was arrested before she could drive anywhere. The woman is facing a preliminary hearing on charges of robbery of a motor vehicle, disorderly conduct and public drunkenness. (What I’m not clear on is why the two officers were sitting together in the backseat…)

If the name fits, you can’t acquit!… A Virginia man with the last name Stoner is facing drug charges after police found more than $10,000 worth of marijuana plants at his home. The Orange County Sheriff ’s Office says the 42-year-old Unionville man is charged with growing marijuana and having a firearm while in possession of more than a pound of marijuana. Further charges are pending. Authorities say they acted on a tip that Stoner was selling to children and, during the search, seized marijuana, drug paraphernalia, prescription drugs, and guns. (Marijuana was his drug of choice because the ice cubes got stuck in his nose when he tried Coke.)

While “Return to Sender” wasn’t an option here, “Return Sender to Jail” obviously was!… Two brothers were arrested in Jonesboro, Arkansas, and charged with possession of methamphetamine. One of them was able to post bond, but his brother remained jailed with a parole hold. You’d assume that brother #1 would be wise enough to walk a straight and narrow path for a while, right? Wrong. He apparently wasn’t aware of the fact that all incoming phone calls are monitored by the detention center when he called his incarcerated brother to tell him that he was going to mail him some meth. The police intercepted the letter and both men who are now occupying jail cells. (Certifiable idiots should always use “certified” mail when sending drugs to inmates.)

Sometimes, the thrill of victory can quickly turn into the agony of defeat!… The sweet and jubilant victory for a North Carolina man who beat police officers in a doughnut eating contest soured after a newspaper story about the win led to his arrest on breaking and entering charges. The 24-year-old Elizabeth City man downed eight doughnuts in two minutes during a contest at an anticrime event hosted by the city’s police department. That report caught the eye of a Camden County Sheriff’s lieutenant who said his detectives had been trying to interview the man for about nine months after suspecting him in break-ins at two local businesses. The deputy said they brought the man in for questioning. “I said, ‘Congratulations on your win last night,’ ” he recalled, before arresting the man on criminal charges of breaking and entering and injury to real property. (I’d say that pretty much evens up the score – wouldn’t you?)

This is after he forgot his “potato gun” at home… Police in Philadelphia say a man used fruit which he stole from a convenience store counter to simulate a gun while he robbed the place. Police posted a surveillance video of the holdup reported in the East Parkside neighborhood. The footage shows a man entering the corner grocery store where he waited in line and then took a banana from the counter by the cash register. The suspect then put the banana in a front pocket of his hoodie and pointed it toward the cashier. Police say the man demanded money and cigarettes and made off with an undetermined amount of cash – riding off on a bicycle. (He took his banana and split.)