In Search of Intelligent Life  

The human race seems obsessed with finding intelligent life on other worlds. But, all of the evidence indicates that we need to focus our search here on planet Earth. Read the following true accounts and see if you agree.

James L. McClinton, Ph.D.

That’s why you punt in that situation… Michigan authorities say a man tried to throw a football loaded with drugs and cell phones into the yard of a state prison. A state trooper says the throw fell short, with the football landing between two fences and not in the yard where prisoners exercise. An officer at the G. Robert Cotton Correctional Facility saw the passer throw the football and the suspect was arrested. A Detroit newspaper reports the ball contained heroin, marijuana, tobacco, three cell phones and chargers. A 22-year-old man was arraigned in Jackson District Court on contraband charges and ordered jailed on a $50,000 bond. (Now, he gets to see the other side of that fence!)

“Counsel, please approach the bench and LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!”… The animosity between a Brevard County (Florida) judge and a public defender festered over the lawyer’s refusal to waive his client’s right to a speedy trial, but came to a head when the judge told him, “Stop pissing me off. Just sit down.” The attorney persisted, “I have a right to stand and represent my client.” The judge responded, “If you want to fight, let’s go out back and I’ll just beat your a**.” And, to a back hallway they went, with the lawyer allegedly just intending to talk out their differences. However, according to his supervisor, the judge immediately grabbed him and began punching him. He was not seriously hurt, but vowed to report the incident to the Florida Bar. (“You’re out of order! You’re out of order! The whole trial’s out of order!” – Al Pacino)

I would love to hear the justification for exempting baseball bats, hockey sticks and archery sets from their list of banned “weapons!”… A sports club at North Dakota State University has been told it can no longer practice on campus, solely because they’re fencers, and their foils, épées and sabers “are deemed weapons.” The university police director says the possession or use of these “weapons” on University owned or University controlled property is prohibited. The club’s president said fencing swords are less dangerous than baseball bats. “This is a spring and a flat tip that, if you press the spring against the body of the other person, [you] will be awarded a point,” he says. The university club decided to practice somewhere besides their own university. (Frankly, I think a better solution is to simply find another university.)

Trying to fan the flames of passion, this aspiring firefighter only succeeded in igniting the wrath of law enforcement… A Pennsylvania man has been accused of sneaking into a fire department and taking a woman on a 30 minute joyride in a fire truck. Fire officials reportedly saw the accused – who is not a firefighter – recently enter the Bridgewater Volunteer Fire Department about midnight, grab the vehicle’s keys and drive the truck away with a woman in the passenger seat. Police say he returned the truck and the keys to their original positions about 30 minutes later. The man, who is 47 and lives in Bridgewater, was charged with unauthorized use of a vehicle, bur- glary and other crimes. He remains in jail. (Please don’t look here for any kind of “hose joke.”)

Fortunately, for Larry and Moe, Curly successfully drove them away in the getaway car (nyuk-nyuk-nyuk)… At a recent press conference, as Houston police officers announced they were after two burglars who had broken into Katz’s Lingerie Boutique, surveillance video showed two armed men cautiously creeping through the store until one accidentally bumped the other. The surprise encounter apparently startled the bumped man, who responded by turning and firing his weapon – which caused his partner in crime to respond by firing back. Officers counted nearly a dozen bullet holes in the store. Said the Houston press briefer, these are “by far, some of the clumsiest crooks that I’ve seen in a long time.” (Amazingly, these lingerie thieves still managed to give the police “the slip.”)

Ah, he’s just a sucker for the little green mints which room service leaves on their pillows every morning… A 51-year-old parolee who was on the lam was spotted in his car by sheriff’s deputies in Sacramento, California. Officers then took after the man in a 35 mile chase before coming to a stop in front of the Placer County Jail in Auburn. The man promptly, and peacefully, surrendered himself. He told the puzzled deputies only that “the food is better here” than in Sacramento’s lockup. Unfortunately, that had no bearing on how they handled him – they returned him to Sacramento, anyway. (I think this is one crook who has failed to grasp the intended purpose of incarceration!)

The authorities need to tell emergency responders who deliver pizza “Code 3” that they’re now “Code 4” (no further assistance needed)!… An emergency respondent in South Carolina has been accused of using emergency lights on his vehicle in order to help deliver pizzas faster. The man, a probationary member of the Rock Hill Rescue Squad, is accused of attaching emergency lights to his own car and activating them while delivering pizzas for Pizza Hut®. Authorities charged him with unlawful use of an emergency signal and reckless driving, and he was arrested while wearing a Rescue Squad T-shirt. (I wonder if he would have called for backup if the customer’s tip had been too low.)

This artist’s signature may be worth big bucks one day – to bail bondsmen!… A man was on trial in San Diego, California, having been charged with vandalism. During the trial, court officials noticed graffiti showing up at several locations inside the courthouse itself. Officers noticed that the artist had even gone so far as to put his moniker on the graffiti. While he may have been proud of his artwork, he apparently wasn’t too smart about it. After tracing the moniker to the man on trial, he was charged with five new felony counts. (How do you swear in someone who is on trial when the court’s Bible is covered with wet paint?)