The human race seems obsessed with finding intelligent life on other worlds. But, all of the evidence indicates that we need to focus our search here on planet Earth. Read the following true accounts and see if you agree.

James L. McClinton, Ph.D.

Sounds to me like “Hot Sauce” actually won the lottery!… A woman recently spoke about how the $88 million Powerball® lump sum she had won would allow her to finish college and help her four kids. But, almost immediately, her boyfriend, nicknamed “Hot Sauce,” was charged with drug trafficking and needed three million dollars for bail which she took care of. Then, shortly afterwards, in Brunswick County, NC, “Hot Sauce” was arrested again for selling heroin and reporters surmised that she must have been the one who posted that six million dollar bail. After a lot of criticism, the woman addressed her cynics on Facebook, “What y’all need to be worried about is y’all’s money…” (Looks like she’s already giving a lot of that money right back to the state.)

Wait a minute…leaves are supposed to fall at this time of the year, not grass!… A woman awoke to what sounded like thunder in the early morning hours, but dismissed it as a typical monsoon storm. Later that morning, she looked in the carport at her home (near the U.S./Mexico border) and saw pieces of wood on the ground. She also found a bulky bundle wrapped in black plastic. Inside was roughly 26 pounds of marijuana – a package which authorities say had likely been accidentally dropped there by a drug smuggler’s aircraft. “It just made a perfectly round hole through our carport.” The couple said police told them an ultralight aircraft smuggling marijuana from Mexico had probably let part of its load go early by accident before dropping the rest farther north. (This gives the phrase “getting bombed” a whole new meaning.)

I’ll bet you didn’t know that morons have an elite airborne division… In Daytona Beach, Florida, a thief was arrested after his brilliant scheme for picking up a few bucks “fell through.” The thief chose the Hibachi Grill and Supreme Buffet as his crime scene. His plan was to crawl through the ceiling and drop into the manager’s office, where he would steal the night’s receipts. It seems, however, that his plan had a couple of flaws. First, his timing was a little off – he chose to crawl through the ceiling during the 6:00 p.m. rush hour at the restaurant. Second, he failed to consider his own weight. Restaurant patrons complained that they could hear noises coming from above just before he came crashing through, landing on a shocked diner. He also failed to consider the fact that, even if he had made it to the office, the receipts were in a locked safe. (His defense will be that he got lost on the way to the men’s room.)

Suffering from PMS (PreMeditated Stupidity)… Security cameras showed a burglar robbing the Battery Mart store in Apple Valley, California, while wearing a unique, but ineffective, disguise. A spokesman for the San Bernardino County Sheriff’s Office said the disguise “appeared to be a maxi pad on his forehead.” Unfortunately for the burglar, the disguise didn’t do much to cover the man’s face and deputies recognized the 51-year-old intruder. They obtained a search warrant and raided his house, arresting him and recovering the stolen goods. (My guess is that he’ll plead insanitary!)

I think local civic groups should nominate this clown for a Crime Stoppers award… A man broke into the local Dollar General store in Metropolis, Illinois, and took a few items before fleeing. The alarm was tripped and the police arrived within minutes. While they were reviewing the video footage of the crime, the officers received a call from the chief of police, who told the officers there was a suspicious looking character on his front porch asking to use the phone. The police described the man seen in the footage and, yep, out of all of the doors in town, the thief had chosen the police chief’s to knock on. As he was being led away, the man was overheard saying, “I knew I should have run.” (And now the little voices in his head are calling him an idiot!)

There goes his Harvard scholarship!… Authorities say an 18-year-old Florida man drove a stolen car to police headquarters to pick up court papers about a previous auto theft he had been involved in – documents which were found in yet another stolen car. The man now faces charges in three stolen car cases. St. Petersburg police said that officers found a stolen Infiniti. Inside, they found the man’s documents related to a June auto theft arrest. Detectives contacted the man who arranged to pick them up. When he arrived at police headquarters, a detective arrested him and found keys to a Hyundai Sonata in his pocket. The car was located a block away and it had also been reported stolen. He was charged and held without bond. (Transport officers better keep a close eye on this guy when they drive him to court.)