The human race seems obsessed with finding intelligent life on other worlds. But, all of the evidence indicates that we need to focus our search here on planet Earth. Read the following true accounts and see if you agree.

James L. McClinton, Ph.D.

Can’t we all just get a bong?… Not surprisingly, the “Religious Freedom” laws in several states are having unintended consequences. In Indianapolis, one of those side effects is The First Church of Cannabis, formed the day the law went into effect. Police were on hand in full force and the church had to tell its congregants they could not use marijuana at the service for fear of arrests. The Church’s founder (whose official title is “Grand Poobah”) promised to sue the state under Indiana’s Religious Freedom Restoration Act to allow members (called “Cannaterians”) to use pot. The bottom line, he said, is “I’m not a criminal; I’m a religious figure.” (I wonder what their bake sales are like?)

“Thank you all for your advocacy on this important bill in protecting all of the women and children in our woods.”… Not surprisingly, “sexual assault” is certainly punishable in New Hampshire by prison time. However, state lawmakers currently have legislation pending which implies that prison is not enough. According to House Bill 212, anyone who commits sexual assault while out hunting or fishing will also have his hunting or fishing license revoked. (I know many fish and squirrels are now breathing a lot easier.)

“Number two, face the left, bare your teeth and growl”… Magistrates in Ceredigion, Wales, fined a man the equivalent of about $1,130, finding that it was his dog that bit a teenage girl in October, sending her to a hospital. Authorities in Aberystwyth had set up a formal police lineup of dogs from the neighborhood and the girl had made a positive ID of the owner’s dog as the perp. (In my opinion, the worst crime committed there was naming the town “Aberystwyth.”)

Successful business strategies are not hampered by minor annoyances like armed police officers, numerous cop cars or helicopters hovering overhead… In an increasingly familiar scenario, police officers recently conducted a raid of a suspected drug house in Wood River, Illinois. The officers swarmed the home and yard in numbers and confiscated evidence before arresting the occupants. But, the officers had to stop briefly from time to time to answer the front door (ten times during a 90 minute period) as the dealer’s regular customers continually arrived to buy more heroin. (Darn police! There they go interfering with free enterprise again.)

Sort of a frequent-flyer program… France’s daily La Provence reported that at least one enterprising drug dealer in Marseilles had begun distributing “loyalty cards” to its best customers, offering a ten euro discount on future sales after that customer’s card was full (all ten squares stamped from previous sales). The card also expressed thanks for the patronage and reminded the customer of its operating hours – 11 a.m. to midnight. (I wonder if they do price matching?)

It’s a drug bust!… A Honduran woman carrying 3.3 pounds of liquid cocaine in her breast implants was arrested at the airport in Colombia’s capital, Bogotá. Police said the 22-year-old woman was attempting to travel to Spain when her apparent nervousness aroused suspicion in the security line. X-rays revealed a recent surgery on her breasts and she confessed that an unknown substance had been implanted which she was meant to take to Barcelona. (Breast implants – the worst way of keeping a low profile around airport security.)

And, by the way, when you complete the form, be sure to sign your name where it says you understand your Miranda rights… In Kentucky, the Franklin County Sheriff’s Office has posted a flyer on its Facebook page asking drug dealers to turn in their rivals. It features an image of a marijuana leaf and says, “Is your drug dealing competition costing you money? We offer a free service to help you eliminate your drug competition!” The Franklin County Sheriff says the post is funny, but the sheriff’s department is not joking around. At the bottom of the letter, people are asked to fill out information about the drug dealer they are reporting, including the dealer’s name and vehicle. The Sheriff says he got the idea from the McIntosh County Sheriff’s Office in Georgia. (Maybe these dealers are thinking, “I better do it to them before they do it to me!”)

I’m guessing he wasn’t class valedictorian… A 58-year-old man who arrived late for a flight to attend his high school reunion is accused of running onto a concourse at Denver International Airport in an attempt to stop the departing plane. The man found his Ohio bound United Airlines flight pushing back from a departing gate. He then “forcibly” opened a locked emergency exit door and allegedly ran onto a secured ramp area. “[The man] did then run out of the door and chased down on foot, a tug driver who was actively engaged in pushing back…(an) aircraft filled with passengers,” the affidavit said. The tug driver was forced to stop and the man then allegedly insisted on boarding the plane before he was arrested. He told police he was en route to Ohio to attend his 40 year high school reunion. (The reunion committee needs to publish a “Where Are They Now” supplement.)