The human race seems obsessed with finding intelligent life on other worlds. But, all of the evidence indicates that we need to focus our search here on planet Earth. Read the following true accounts and see if you agree.
When the clerk asked her if she would “solemnly swear,” she ignored the rest of the question… An 18-year-old Miami girl found out the hard way why it is not a good idea to swear at a judge during a court hearing. The teenager was in court after being arrested for illegal possession of the prescription drug Xanax®. The judge first became irritated when she laughed after he asked how much her jewelry was worth as he set bail. “We’re not in a club, be serious about it,” he said, before setting bail at $5,000 and saying “bye-bye” to the girl. She laughed again and replied “adios” and walked off, only to be immediately called back before the bench. After her bail was doubled to $10,000, the outraged teenager asked, “Are you serious?” to which the judge replied, “I am serious. Adios.” The teenager then made a lewd hand gesture and blurted out an expletive as she walked away. The clearly aggravated judge hauled her back again and sentenced her to 30 days in jail. (It’s one thing to “finger” a suspect – it’s yet another to “finger” a judge!)
“Kids, this is why we don’t leave our keys in the ignition”… Arkansas police have arrested a woman on DWI charges after she allegedly tried to flee the scene of a car accident. Initially, the 29-year-old woman crashed into a mobile home in her 2001 Pontiac Grand Am, but a local TV station reports that she then attempted to drive away from the scene in a very different vehicle: a Fisher-Price® Power Wheels® children’s truck. When the owner of the mobile home went back outside after checking on his grandchildren, he said the woman was still sitting in the toy truck, “trying to drive it.”
Some Power Wheels models, like the Ford F150 truck, can achieve speeds of up to five miles per hour – fast enough to keep most young kids entertained, but a little slow for an effective high-speed getaway. Police described the woman as being “irate and very intoxicated” when they arrived at the scene. She is now facing several charges. (Will she also be charged with grand theft auto?)
Kudos to school officials for preventing yet another deranged rampage committed with lethal pastry!… A seven-year-old boy at Park Elementary School in Brooklyn Park, Maryland, was eating a strawberry Pop-Tart® when he noticed that it was starting to take on a shape he liked. “All I was trying to do was turn it into a mountain, but it didn’t look like a mountain really.” Before he could improve on the shape, his teacher came over. “She was pretty mad,” the lad said, “and I think I was in big trouble.” The problem: The teacher said he had bitten the breakfast treat into the shape of a gun. “It kinda looked like a gun, but it wasn’t,” the boy said, demonstrating more intelligence than his teacher. The second grader was suspended for two days and school officials sent a letter home with kids to advise parents that “a student used food to make an inappropriate gesture.” (I hate to think what he would have done with a “bear claw.”)
Does this mean they’ve updated the “pat down laws” in Colorado?… It is now illegal in Colorado to wear aluminum underwear. The state senator who sponsored the bill told reporters, “This is serious business.” She said, “We have laws against using crowbars as theft devices, but, if you were lining your underwear with aluminum foil, that was not a crime.” Don’t worry, that’s all changed. Why? Apparently, shoplifters found that such so-called “iron pants” allow them to sneak stolen items past antitheft scanners at store doors. The law also allows store security officers to detain people who
“crackle when they walk,” but provides an exception for aluminum britches worn for “personal amusement.” (“Aluminum undies” worn for “personal amusement?” Oh, yeah, that’s gotta be a real “turn-on”!)
So, now they’ve come up with yet another way to “blow weed”?… Mexican police have confiscated an improvised cannon which they say was used to fire packages of marijuana across a border fence into California. The makeshift cannon was made of plastic pipe and powered by compressed air sourced from an old car engine, said Mexicali police. The device was able to propel cylinders packed with up to 30 pounds of pot. The cannon was discovered after U.S. officers told Mexican police that they had been confiscating a large number of drug packages which appeared to have been fired over the border. It’s not the first time drug traffickers have used cannons to transport marijuana across the border. Border police said they have confiscated similar devices in recent years. (Next up are “drone shipments.”)
The first mistake was taking this guy to the wrong hospital – it should have been one with rubber wallpaper!… A man who was involved in an accident in Boaz, Alabama, was taken by ambulance to a nearby hospital. The man clearly had no interest in hanging around and, after a short while, persuaded the staff to let him go outside for a cigarette. Once outside, he hopped into an idling ambulance and sped away. But, morons aren’t known for their intellect and he got the ambulance stuck after he ran it off the road. However, morons are known for their persistence. The man proved it by heading to a nearby barn where he tried to saddle a couple of horses. But, this didn’t work out for him, so he stole an SUV which was parked nearby and ended up crashing it. He then found a second SUV to steal and managed to use it to drive himself home. The next morning, still suffering from the effects of the initial car crash, he drove the stolen SUV back to the emergency room for treatment. But, that proved to be a bad idea because the staff recognized him and he was promptly arrested. (Imagine having to write that report!)
Okay, you’ve met Sneezy – allow me to introduce you to his lovely wife Sleepy and his children Bashful, Doc, Dopey, Grumpy and Happy… A Polish fugitive led police to a secret hiding place inside his home in Pruszkow when he inadvertently gave his location away. The 49-year-old man, on the run for failure to pay child support, had dug a hole six feet deep under a table in his hallway. He covered it with a panel he’d crafted to match the rest of the wooden floor and leapt down there whenever police came looking for him, but he was caught when officers who had raided the apparently empty home heard a stifled sneeze. “At first, we couldn’t figure out where it came from,” said one officer. “Then, we heard another one and realized it was coming from right under our feet. After a bit of tapping and testing, we found a hollow spot and he was down there covered in cobwebs. Maybe if he’d dusted more often, he’d still be on the run,” he added. (I don’t know any man who cleans his secret hiding place more than once a year.)
Depriving law enforcement officers of such a precious commodity is like waving a red cape in the face of an angry bull!… In what must have been the most furious car chase incident in Georgia’s history, Gwinnett County police pursued a suspect at speeds of up to 70 mph after he allegedly stole a Krispy Kreme doughnut. The man, who appeared to be under the influence at the time (duh), reportedly ran several red lights before cornering himself in a dead end cul-de-sac. A short foot chase ended with a K9 giving him a not so affectionate bite and the man was arrested. He was charged with three felonies, three misdemeanors and seven more traffic violations. Authorities did not say whether or not he ever got to eat the doughnut. (If he had stolen cash, he’d probably still be a free man today!)
Let’s see: “Until death do us part.” I think she’s found a loophole – she’s gonna nag him to death!… A 43-year-old woman in Newcastle-Under-Lyme, England, received her first AntiSocial Behavior Order (ASBO) in 1999 for berating her husband too loudly (who, one neighbor told a local newspaper, is “the sweetest man you could ever meet”). After many complaints (from neighbors and never from the husband himself), the woman was fined the equivalent of about $700 in 2010 and vowed to be quieter. The complaints hardly slowed and, in July 2012, environmental health officials installed monitoring equipment next door and caught the woman venting at her husband 47 times in three months. However, the Magistrates Court merely issued a new five year ASBO. Court officials said they should probably expect to hear more from her in the future. (I guess love truly is blind – and deaf!)
It looks like the federal government is doing a pretty good job of fighting serious “air pollution!”… Air travel restrictions don’t seem to intimidate those who like “packing heat” and travelers continue to keep Transportation Security Administration (TSA) agents busy at passengers’ carry-on bag searches. A TSA weekly summary of confiscations in January reports that 33 handguns, eight stun guns and a serrated wire garrote were among the weapons discovered. Among the highlights from 2012 were a live 40mm grenade, a live blasting cap, “seal bombs” and six pounds of black powder (with detonation cords and a timing fuse). (Wouldn’t it be nice if terrorists were stupid enough to try and take their explosives and weapons aboard in carry-on bags?)
“Idle hands are the devil’s workshop”… An Illinois newspaper reported that emergency workers were called to a Springfield church to rescue a priest who said that he had been playing with a pair of handcuffs in the rectory and accidentally got stuck. He was also wearing “some sort of gag,” according to the police report. The church told reporters that the priest immediately went on administrative leave and was unable to answer questions. (The gag was supposed to help him with his “vow of silence.”)
