The human race seems obsessed with finding intelligent life on other worlds. But, all of the evidence indicates that we need to focus our search here on planet Earth. Read the following true accounts and see if you agree.

James L. McClinton, Ph.D.

Police are still looking for his accomplices, Johnny Wauker and Jim Beem… St. Louis police say the Budweiser brewery experienced an unwelcome visit from a man with a familiar name. Nineteen-year-old Bud Weisser was cited for trespassing and resisting arrest after he was found in a secured area of the brewery. Police were called after security officers told Weisser to leave and he got into a scuffle with personnel at the iconic brewery. Weisser was taken into custody and then issued summonses for trespassing and resisting arrest. (Well, it is his name on the building after all.)

Well, now, here’s an ideal candidate for the “Witless Protection Program”… The flabbergasted sheriff of rural Chesterfield County, South Carolina, said, “This has completely changed our definition of [what constitutes] an ‘assload’ of guns.” A 51-year-old man had been storing more than 7,000 firearms (most of which were stolen) in his home and in a storage building on his property. Every room of the house was stacked with weapons and 100 law enforcement officers had to make four tractor trailer trips to haul it all away. The man also had 500 chainsaws; at least 250 stuffed deer, elk, and alligator heads; and more. By the way, law enforcement would never have known about the man if he hadn’t run a stop sign with bogus license plates on his truck. (You can never have too many chainsaws…)

“You can take my word for it, Officer. I’m not really addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells!”… Seattle police say a 73-year-old man was arrested after he tried to snort a line or two of cocaine during a traffic stop. They had stopped the man while driving a car with the headlights off. During the stop, police checked the man’s license and registration and say an officer startled the man when he returned to the vehicle, causing him to spill cocaine on his hands and the floor of the car. Police say the man initially tried to brush away the white powder, denied it was cocaine and said he had vitamins in his possession. Eventually, the man told police snorting cocaine in the middle of a traffic stop was, perhaps, a poor decision. He was arrested for narcotics possession. (It’s a wonder he’s alive at 73!)

We were hoping the cops would “lettuce” alone, but they insisted on having a “seizure” salad… Police officers in Boston, Massachusetts, heard a broadcast describing two robbery suspects in a transit station. Suddenly, two men dashed past them who fit the description of the two men who were wanted in the robbery. So, the officers focused a search in the direction which they saw them go. They quickly caught up with the suspects and, sure enough, they were carrying the masks the victim described and a fake pistol. Two men, 18 and 19, were charged with robbery and assault, and the item they stole from the victim at gunpoint was recovered: a plastic bag of salad. (The victim misunderstood when the robbers told him to hand over all the “green stuff” he had on him.)